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Hello, Grief, My Old Friend
by Anthony Weber While driving to Ohio this past weekend, I missed my dad. It's not that I don't think about him a lot. It's just that life fills up so quickly that I can put the hollow part of my heart on a shelf and go about my day. It waits for me (that hollow spot), knowing I will inevitably reach up, dust it off, and carry it around with me when the time is right. The time was right as I was driving to Ohio this past weekend, and I missed my dad. I was tired; Skillet seemed like a good idea. When you're sleepy, "Waking Up, Waking Up!" is a great stadium chant to sing in a car. But metal mayhem gave way to a song I had not heard before and did not expect: "I went to bed - I was thinking about you I wanna talk and laugh like we used to. When I see you in my dreams at night It's so real but it's in my mind, And now I guess this is as good as it gets Don't wake me, 'cause I don't wanna leave this dream Don't wake me, 'cause I never seem to stay asleep enough When it's you I'm dreaming of, I don't wanna wake up These dreams of you keep on growing stronger It ain't a lot but it's all I have. Nothing to do but keep sleeping longer Don't wanna stop 'cause I want You back." "'Cause I want you back." I had dreams of my father for months after he died. I wish so desperately I could have them again (and yet I don't it's exhausting to wake up sobbing). Grief is such a confusing mix of "I hate this" and "Please don't let me forget." But there I was, on a toll road in Ohio, aching because of the grief I was dusting off and pulling down to eye level, but not wanting to let go of the.sweetness? The poignancy? The simultaneous love and anguish of memory? Even now, I'm not sure how to adequately capture the sweet ache of a fading grief. I hated hated the weeks, months, and even years that followed my dad's death. At times, I still do. Distance brings stability, but it also brings distance. I don't want to forget why my dad mattered. I long for a day when the bittersweet become only sweet. Until then, I will cry, love, grieve and write. Hello, Grief, my Old Friend, It's good to have you back again but not for long I do not miss the way you tried to crush me. Your shadow swirled; my lonely road's now briefly dimmed by memories but never dark the sounds of sadness only briefly haunt me. My song plays on, your Siren's moan now blends with tires' steady drone the only toll that's costly now is money. Goodbye, Grief, my harshest friend, It's good to have you leave again, But not for good I'll always crave the way you take me home. Anthony Weber is a pastor, teacher, husband, father, author and blogger (nightfallsandautumnleaves.blogspot.com; learningtojump.blogspot.com; empiresandmangers.blogspot.com). You can contact Anthony at [email protected] Article Source: http://www.faithwriters.com |