"So why do you care what I do," I asked with tears streaming down my face. "Why!" No answer. Darkness surrounded me, yet I could hear the cool wind blowing. No stars in the sky. No moon shining. The smell of rain in the air. I was alone in the cool dark night embracing the darkness.
My pain was so deep. I just wanted to end it all. I just wanted to get away. I wanted to get away from me. Why did I mess things up so bad? Why did I always miss the mark? Why did I make so many stupid decisions? Why couldn't I just go back and erase some of my past? These thoughts tormented my mind.
I went closer, knowing that the edge was almost under my feet. The cool breeze got a little stronger. I could hear the distant waves crashing against the rocks way down beneath. All I have to do is jump. Just end it all. "I'll be free from this pain," I thought to myself. I wanted to... but where was my courage. Why couldn't I just take that leap? It was like God was holding me by my heart. But where was He when I needed Him. Why did He let me make such stupid mistakes? I know... It was me who made those decisions. It was me who messed things up. But some things were out of my control. Why did God let it happen.
"Get off of me!" I yelled. "Just leave me alone!" But did I really want to be left alone? Maybe. I was already so lonely. No one to go to. No one to help me. No one to understand. No one to pour out my heart to. Just pain. Pain had become my friend. I wanted to take that leap. I wanted to end it. But... He was still holding me. It's like... I kind of felt His arms around me. But I was alone. Tears warmed my face as I thought about it. All alone. I just wanted to jump. But I couldn't. Every time I was about too, there He was... holding me. "Let me ignore it and take the leap," I thought to myself.
But there were silent words being spoken with in. I couldn't hear them, but I felt them. "There's hope." "Things won't always be this way." "God still has a plan and a purpose for your life." "God can change things." "He can make it all work out for good." I could feel these words deep with in my spirit. God still had a plan.
I looked down into darkness. A long fall awaited me. I imagined my body falling through the air and landing on the hard jagged rocks below, then being washed away with the waves. I heard another voice in my head. "Do it." "Just end it all." "Don't think just jump." It was persuasive and tempting. It's what I wanted. There was a battle going on. A battle for my life. I closed my eyes. It was as if something was trying to push me from behind
I had a decision to make...
Now, each time I look at my children I know I've made the right decision. Each time someone else thanks me for the help I've given them and the change I made in their lives, I remember what could have been. Each time I comfort a hurting soul, I know they are fighting that same battle. I know that they must overcome and I'm committed to help them do it. Each morning I awake, I know that day is a special gift from God. It's another chance for me to bring change and make a difference in the world. It's another day for me to bring life, encouragement and hope to others. It's another day for God to use me. A chance for me to show others the love of God. I know He's real. I know He cares. And I hope, you to, will realize how precious your life is and make the right decision.
Erica Ndaguba is married to a wonderful Nigerian man and they have 4 wonderful kids. They've been married 7 years. She's lived 6 years on the mission field and returned to the States 4 years ago. She used to teach ESL but now she's a fulltime housewife and mother.
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