Politically correct Bible stories: The marriage of Isaac
by vaughn ohlman 12/07/2009 / Humor
The following stories have been updated to meet the prejudices of today's readers
Story the First, the marriage of Isaac:
And Abraham was old, and well stricken in age
"Hey, Eliezer, what's up with all of the camels?"
"Oh, master, wonderful news."
"Kill the 'master' thing, Eliezer. I've had to talk to you about that before. We aren't 'master' and 'servant'. That is horribly degrading."
"Yes, mas yes, Isaac."
"So, what's the news?"
"Oh, your father has sent me on a journey to find you a wife."
"A wife, eh? That sounds good, but what do you mean 'sent you'? What do you have to do with it? She would be my wife, no?"
"Well, yes, mast Isaac. But he sent me to find her, and give the gifts, and bring her back."
"Well, the old man must be getting senile. He is 'well stricken in age' you know. You weren't thinking of actually listening to him, were you? The very idea of you going and getting a wife for me. But a wife, that's a good idea. A bit old fashioned, but, you know, it could grow on me. I will go and get her. Where did he say to go?"
"To your fathers brother."
"What, Bethuel? That's a huge distance away. And that would make the girl, like, my cousin or something!"
"And, ma Isaac, your father said you weren't to leave Cannan."
"Oh, well that makes sense. I will look for a girl around here. How were you going to go about it?"
"Well, when I got there I would pray to see which girl the Lord would give you, and then I would go to her father, and arrange the match."
"Praying sounds good, but what is this 'father' thing? Good grief, he sends you to get the girl, and tells you to go to her father? I will go right to the girl, of course. What would you do then?"
"Well, I would bring her back to her, and you could take her into your mothers tent and" the servants voice whispered in Isaacs ear, and then he said, "and then you would be man and wife."
"Well," said Isaac, grinning, "I certainly like your idea of what to do in the tent. But that wouldn't make her my wife, you know. No, after we had lived together for a while," Isaac said, poking the servant playfully in the ribs, "we will get engaged, and then we will have a big wedding. I know the girl will want a big wedding, girls always do."
Isaac mused on this for a while, and then said, "Oh, and by the way. You know Dad is really getting old. I was over in Beersheeba the other day, and they had this really nice nursing home"
A former missionary to Africa, I am now an LVN and EMT with a wife, six kids, and small farm. I like to write about Theonomy, Betrothal, Fantasy, and Science Fiction, just for starters.