How to Deal With Anger After Husband Commits Adultery
by Angie Lewis 11/12/2010 / Marriage
It's normal to feel anger after you find out that your husband has been unfaithful. But we must understand that anger is a negative emotion that can inflict a lot of bad behaviors and often times spur of the moment foolishness. We must get a grip on our anger and not let it control our state of mind and make us bitter and of no use to God and to others.
What many people don't understand is they do not have to become verbally abusive and violent to release anger out of their system and get a point across. In fact anger never resolves issues at all, but makes the situation worse. Scripture talks quite a bit about anger and for good reason; God knows it destruction on the lives of those who are caught up in it. Anger can lead to verbal abuse, revenge, murder and violence of all kinds.
Anger separates us from the love of God and makes us bitter and wretched people inside. We must learn how to express this emotion when we feel it creep up within our mental state. Proverbs 29:22, gives us a good example of just what anger can do to people. "An angry man stirs up dissension and a hot tempered man commits many sins." So wives be careful because your reaction, if in anger, may produce sin in your life.
A wife can assertively but calmly express her disappointment and anger with her husband by simply communicating her feelings. And she can certainly get her husband to explain himself better when she uses friendly tactics rather than enemy tactics. Most wives want to know "why" their husbands cheated. But 9 times out of 10 you will not get a straight answer because they don't even know why they committed adultery. Besides that he doesn't want to put his wife through the details of something so shameful.
A married man most of the time, not all the time, does not commit adultery because he does not find his wife attractive, or even because he does not love her. The number one reason is simply lack of self-control. Struggling with flesh issues for a man is difficult to do when he does not have real commitment for his marriage and when he puts God on the bottom of his priority list. We all struggle with the flesh, not just men, but this particular article is about unfaithful husbands.
It's true, husbands and wives are not there for each other anymore emotionally and sexuallythey are just too busy with their lives. This is very unfortunate because the separate lives that couples make for themselves makes it easier for them to want to receive ego boosting, praise and gratification needs outside of the marriage, and for men, that is through sex; for women it is through feelings, emotional adultery, which sometimes leads to physical adultery.
Going outside the bounds of the one flesh of marriage is like getting a fix to an addiction. They are addicted to feeling good 24/7 through others, but the love they are receiving from society is not love but lust. This is what a marriage without God is like. It feeds off the world for survival, but actually the marriage is dying from the lack of spiritual nutrients. Solution: We NEED to get off the pedestal and put God at the top of our priority list!
To obsess over the affair and speculate as to "why" your husband committed adultery will only rile the anger up within you. Understand this: When a woman even remotely gives a man, who does not put God first in his life, a foothold, he'll take her body language to means, "let's have sex". So eventually, if his thoughts dwell on this person long enough and if emotional and sexual needs are not getting met at home, he will commit adultery.
So as you can see the "why" your husband had an affair is without value because it does not resolve anything. What matters is finding a solution to the problem or it is going to keep happening over and over again. Some men can't keep their thoughts and eyes in their own back yard because they have put God at the bottom of their priority list when He needs to be on top! The solution is simple. But fixing the solution takes a humble and meek spirit.
Husband's need to give up their pride and allow God to be their Captain because seriously folks, you are not doing a very good job at managing your own life on your own terms, are you? If we are too proud to humble our sinful and wretched lives to God, healing may never take place. This is the reality.
And if wives continue to harbor anger and resentment towards a cheating husband it may hinder him in seeking Christ for his life. So the bottom line is becoming angry and allowing that anger to control how you react is the wrong way to deal with a unfaithful husband. Love your husband, but emotionally detach from this sin. Ask God to help you to stop obsessing over the "why" your husband had an affair. Help him by helping yourself. You can be an example of all that is good and rightthis is God's will for you now.