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A Snapping Turtle, A Catfish, and A Chicken Bone

by Jan Ackerson  
9/25/2006 / Humor

Aint it funny how one little thingll set a whole lot of other things in motion? Why, todays party wouldnt be happenin at all if Sister Pauline hadnt finally decided to get baptized.

She shouldve did it years agoSister Pauline knowed Jesus since she was a youngun. But just before her first baptism, wouldnt you know, a little old snapper swum up and nipped her toe. Pauline set to screamin, and run out of the river, and made up her mind that Jesusd have to let her into heaven without the sloshing.

Well, bless my soul, that was seventy years ago. I still remember sittin on the riverbank in my blue dress, watchin some ants, when Pauline run right past me, screamin to wake the dead.

So I just about dropped my teeth when she stood up in services last July and said, Brother Henry, I seen the light. Ill be walkin with Jesus soon, and I need to be washed in the river first.

The next week, we had a picnic, at the same spot where the turtle bit Pauline. She waded into the river to meet Brother Henry, wearin a choir robe and pearl earrings. I mean Pauline, dont you know, not the reverend. We sung a verse of Amazing Grace, and Sister took a deep breath and pinched her nose. Brother Henry lowered her gentle-like into the river, and when she come up we commenced to sing again.

But we didnt get past amazingwe was laughin too hard. You see, Sister Pauline come up out of the water without her wig. I looked downriver, and there it went, swirlin along on the current all white and fluffy, before it disappeared.

Sister Pauline just said, Praise Jesus, Im gettin a new wig, and we tucked into the fried chicken.

You think my storys over, but it aint. It dont take long for folk round here to learn each others business. The rest of the story, I heard here and there. Taint gossip, neither, every words Gods honest truth.

The morning after Sister lost her wig, George Benson was fishin downstream. He was just about to quit when he felt a powerful tug on the line. He landed that fish and stared in disbelieffloppin on the riverbank was a catfish covered with white hair. Itd got all tangled up in Sister Paulines wig, and my lands, it gave George a fright.

First thing he done, once he recovered, was call up his buddy to come take his picture with the hairy catfish. And George brung that picture straight to the Gazette, where MaryLou took one look and said she done found her lead story.

A few days later, the newspaper come out, and there was George on the front page, holdin up that catfish wearin Sister Paulines wig. You never seen nothing like it.

That same day, Marietta Tompkins set down to breakfast with some leftover chicken. She opened the Gazette just as she was chompin on a chicken wing, and my stars, if that picture didnt make her laugh! Her old maid daughter Lynette heard the commotion and come into the kitchen sayin, Why, momma, whats got into you?

Marietta couldnt stop laughin, when all of a sudden she took to chokin. You know it, there was a bone stuck in her craw, and Lynette knew it, too. She grabbed her momma and run her to the hospital, with them both in their housecoats.

Marietta was breathin fine, but coughin around that bone, and her throat hurt plenty. That nice Doctor Watkins at the hospital done what he does, and in just a minute she was right as rain, but plenty embarrassed, let me tell you.

Doctor Watkins sent Marietta home with orders to drink tea and honey and a warning not to eat and read at the same time. But all the while he was lecturin Marietta, he was lookin at Lynette in her old housecoat and thinkin, Thats one fine-looking woman. And all the while Lynette was studyin the linoleum and thinkin, I wish Id put on some mascara.

You know what happened next. A few days later, Doctor Watkins called on Marietta to see how her throat was, and Lynette asked him to stay for lemonade. And today, theyre gettin married.

Brother Henrys doin the ceremony, down by the river. George Bensons standin up for the doctor, and Sister Paulines got a new wig. Would you believe it--shes a redhead now!

Jan is a Christian who has traveled through sorrow and depression, and has found victory and grace. She dedicates all writings to her Heavenly Father. Check out Jan's website at
Copywrite Jan Ackerson--2006

Article Source: WRITERS

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