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Acceptance: Why You Might Be In Bondage To It (And Not Even Know)

by James Barringer  
9/03/2011 / Christian Living


I think that the genuine, sincere desire to be liked is responsible for some of the worst behaviors that humanity can produce.

In the closing words of Galatians 5, immediately after describing the Fruit of the Spirit, Paul cautions his readers, "Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another." No sooner has he taught them the importance of love than he has to turn around and caution them: "Look, if you start excelling in this fruit of the Spirit stuff, don't get a big head about it; don't start strutting around like you're something special. Don't go rubbing it in if the Spirit is working in you more than in other people - and, likewise, don't get jealous if the Spirit seems to be working in someone else more than in you." This great and liberating truth, this Fruit of the Spirit that changes lives, also has the potential to become a divisive distraction, if it's allowed to become the ruler by which we measure our spiritual potency against someone else's.

Bottom line, we all want acceptance and approval, and we're all willing to do pretty much anything to get it. This makes sense, if you think about it. Way back in Genesis 1 and 2, Adam and Eve walked face to face with God, basking in his glory and enjoying his love and approval in a way none of us have ever known. Their relationship was flawless, unstained by sin, just the sheer joy of God's children knowing beyond any shadow of a doubt that they were loved by their daddy. But in a moment, sin shattered all of that. God's approval was smudged by the shadow of sin, and we as a species have spent thousands of years trying to plug that God-shaped hole inside us with everything in the universe other than God. That's what makes approval from other people such an appealing option: since humans are made in the image of God, approval from others is the next-closest thing we can get to approval from God. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it does ease the burn a little bit.

I find, in my ongoing research into sociology and social science, that the need for approval is one of the fundamental things that drives all human nature. Among the age group I focus on the most, many of the worst behaviors are not the result of bad kids or even bad parenting, necessarily, but simply from the child's compulsive need for affirmation. When teens arrested for gang violence are asked why they joined gangs, the leading response is that they were looking for someplace to belong. Among teenage girls who engage in sexually promiscuous behavior, a statistically significant number come from fatherless homes. They're not looking to get pregnant, not looking to become floozies; they're just looking for the acceptance and affirmation they never got from any other male in their lives. The class clown isn't out to ruin the teacher's classroom; he just wants other people to approve of him, and that's the only way he can think of to get it. I could go on for far longer than your patience would last, but I think the point has been proven.

My ten-year high school reunion is this weekend, and during high school I was one of a large number of kids who loudly claimed not to care what anyone else thought of me. The only thing that enabled me to say that, though, was that I had a small but important core of people who did think highly of me. The sole reason I didn't feel compelled to seek the affirmation of a larger group is that I had the affirmation of a small one already. I talked a big game, but I wonder how what would have happened if I had truly not enjoyed the affirmation of anyone else. Actually, I don't have to wonder, because I reached a point during college where I had no close friends (by my own choice, because I was a very broken person then and unwilling to trust anyone), and because of that my life felt so insignificant that I was driven to the point of suicide. French sociologist Emile Zola concluded that a person's susceptibility to suicide was directly related to how many friends they had; that's how much approval and affirmation matter to us on a soul-deep level.

None of this, as I've described it, is inherently good or bad; it simply is. It's exactly what you would expect to see if a God who is relationship (Father + Son + Spirit in tri-unity) created relational human beings to share life with each other because "It is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18). The need for acceptance will draw us to anyone or anything which promises the thing we need, which can be disastrous if we find ourselves chasing something other than an eternal and timeless truth.

It gets more disturbing. Early in my sociological studies, I watched a videotape of an experiment, which I believe was done at Stanford. The test subject was put into a room with about 20 other people, all of whom were in on the experiment; the subject was the only person who didn't know what was going on. The room was shown three lines and were simply asked to say which one was the longest. At first all 20 of the conspirators answered correctly, as did the one test subject, but over time a few of the conspirators slowly began intentionally saying wrong answers. Then half of them said wrong answers. Then all of them said wrong answers, leaving the bewildered test subject as the only person saying the right answer. I'll never forget the haunted and dejected look on his face as the peer pressure finally got to him, and, slumped in his seat with his face toward the ground, he began repeating the group's wrong answers. His need for acceptance, even from this group of strangers, was so strong that it left him unable to even make a simple statement if his answer was not going to match everyone else's.

I doubt the man even knew what was causing him to do what he did; he was driven by a primal, soul-deep need for acceptance, but it's a need which runs so deep that most of us aren't even aware how enslaved we are to it. That's why I subtitled this essay "Why you might be in bondage to it (and not even know)." As Paul told the Galatians, most of us will stoop to whatever lengths we can to snatch an ounce of acceptance from anybody, even if we're the people who best embody all the fruit of the Spirit, so I'm thinking it's a safe bet we're all guilty of this kind of acceptance-whoring he's talking about.

The only cure for this is humility. Obviously I don't think that a single essay can magically cure your soul-deep problem in one easy step, but I hope I've at least served to demonstrate to you how deep and insidious the problem runs in every human with a pulse. Now consider this experiment with me to help illustrate the problem and perhaps help you begin to overcome it. For the next week, I want you to be anonymous.

If you come up with a great and witty saying, don't take credit for it. Donate money to help somebody and stay anonymous. If you help out at church, take a week off. If you're known for offering great advice, stop it for a while. If people think you're hilarious, stop telling jokes. If you write (fellow Faithwriters.com folks), go on a seven-day sabbatical. Basically, I want you to stop doing the things that cause people to approve of you. You will be able to see for yourself just how strongly your flesh rebels - especially if you take me seriously when I suggest taking a week off of church ministry, which opens you up to all manner of "Why should I stop doing the Lord's work?!" Look, the church got along fine for 2000 years before you showed up; it won't all come crashing to a halt if you take a week off. In a way, that proves my point, because you can see the lengths to which your heart and mind will demand that you stay in those settings where you can bask in others' approval, and in the feeling of being needed, which is like approval raised to the tenth power.

How does it make you feel to know that you aren't needed, that the church will hold together without you? How does it make you feel to know that your friends will have a fine week if you're not there entertaining them and listening to their problems? How does it make you feel when other people aren't constantly feeding you praise or appreciation? If it feels just a slight bit empty, you might be in bondage to acceptance, and not even know it. What you see is pride and arrogance masquerading as a desire to serve God, because many times a person's satisfaction comes not from serving God at all, but from having a reputation as a person who serves God.

You were wired to get your approval and acceptance from God, and if you allow it to come from anything else in the world, you're selling yourself short. It might feel great to have people applauding you and calling your name, but that's nothing compared with the feeling of knowing for a fact that God loves you and is thrilled to have you as his child, even if nobody on earth appreciates what you do or knows you exist. Learning how to live in his approval is a lifelong journey; like I said, it's not something I can fix with a single essay. My only purpose is to raise the question of whether you, my dear reader, might be in acceptance to bondage wihout even knowing it. Any one of us might be that person Paul wrote about, who excels in love and joy and peace but is so obsessed by that identity that we slide into conceit and strutting. It's not about what we do, and it's not even about who we are; it's about the God we follow. Any glory that we take for ourselves diminishes what is given to him, and stealing his glory is not something he tends to be joyful about.

One side note: if you've been reading this and thinking, "I know exactly who needs to read this article," the person who needs it most is probably you. Scripture is a double-edged sword, which means if you're not using it against yourself as much as you're using it against others, you're doing it wrong.

Jim Barringer is a 38-year-old writer, musician, and teacher. More of his work can be found at facebook.com/jmbarringer. This work may be reprinted for any purpose so long as this bio and statement of copyright is included.

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