Not everyone can watch someone they once loved (and probably still have some feelings for) get married to someone else.
It's barely two weeks away and I bet he thinks I still don't know...and I've been scared about that moment until yesterday.
Yesterday he called me and we talked. It was a bit surprising he was calling in the first place. We had not talked in a long while. I thought we had this underlying resentment for each other, and wouldn't be friends for a mighty long time.
Anyways, the sentiments aside, after he called, I felt all so nostalgic.
I told two of my friends about it who blamed me for making a mess of things (why did you pick his call in the first place? Seems you really made it obvious to him that you want him!- stuff like that)
My friends mean well for me but that was not what I wanted to hear at that moment so I ran to the only solace I could think of at that moment. My Bible.
And I was flipping through- and came to Psalm 131.
It's not like I'm not familiar with the Psalm, but at a point in my life, I forgot completely about it.
The first of the three lines of the Verse 2 stuck to my mind.
But I have stilled and quieted my soul...
I have commanded my soul to be calm.
Doesn't really mean my life is picture perfect at the moment, but I have told myself to be still.
To not be agitated, to not feel terrible, to not whine.
It is what it is.
He's getting married, the love I had for him was not enough to make him stay, but that shouldn't stop me from being at peace with myself.
Like a weaned child with its mother...
Because I know I am not alone. I'm with God.
I'm God's daughter. He loves me. He knows I exist. I am the centre of His universe. I'm with God and He is with me, His big arms wrapped all around me, my body curled up in his full embrace.
A weaned child is at peace.
A weaned child is not bothered by events happening around because it is with its mother.
It knows it is safe.
Nothing can ever go wrong when the Mother is there. (God is Our Father and is likened to a Mother in this verse).
Like a weaned child is my soul within me.
That is how I feel.
I'm not perturbed.
There is pain, to be honest, somewhere within...but the peace I feel with this new knowledge surpasses it.
There is no Knight in Shining Armor in sight, no The One in my near vision...in fact, my heart doesn't even feel like a heart ready to love or work things out at the moment...but does that mean I'm in a hopeless situation? No.
It does not mean a better man won't come my way.
It does not mean my heart will not love again.
Right now, I'm just calm. Inhaling. Exhaling.
Taking one deep breath in. Then out.
That peace that passes all understanding.
That peace you have that makes you feel wholesome in your self. Wholesome even though you are single. Wholesome even though you are going through the after effects of a big rejection.
And suddenly, it doesn't really feel that bad.
That's one good thing with leaning on God. When you surrender to Him, a light shines through. Light, and peace that passes all understanding.
Then Verse 3.
O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, both now and forever more.
Why am I calm?
Am I calm because I'm beautiful? Or because I'm slim? Or because I'm smart? Or because I know someone like me must definitely find a good man to marry?
No. Not for those reasons.
Beautiful women get into destructive relationships everyday. Who says I have a bullet proof for my heart against that?
Who says I'm wise enough to decipher which man would destroy my spirit or which man won't?
But I am calm. Because I trust wholeheartedly in God.
My soul is not worried because I know God has more awesome plans for me.
I believe it with conviction.
I am not shaken on that.
My hope is on God.
I know His plans are a lot bigger than mine.
He sees into the future, I don't.
He knows what's best for me.
I may have made my own calculations, but God's the Omniscient.
So I am calm.
I wish my ex the best in his married life.
I'm not jealous of the girl he's getting married to. I'm happy for them.
I'm happy for them because I am happy, and not just that, I can only get happier. Because God's children get happier everyday.
We put our trust in Him, and no matter what we go through, we are calm because God would see us through the storm.
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on His Promises I'll stand.
What's His promise?
All things work together for good for them that love the Lord.
So I trust in my God, today, and always.
My name is Ifeoma Dennis and I'm 21 years old.
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