I preface this because it may sound kind of strange - maybe even sound a bit crazy. After all who has resentments toward God? Doesn't everybody blame their difficulties on the works of Satan and not God? Yet when I got this epiphany it changed me in a very dramatic way. It's been a few months now and this change is only going deeper and deeper into the core of my attitude toward God. All my anger toward the spirit-world -- has disappeared. I feel free to love God - and even (and this is a major miracle for me) to love life.
Dialogue Between: Jesus and me
Me:.......... Hi Jesus. I'm so excited about what you told me today I'm ready to burst!!
Jesus:.......I'm so glad that you've come to a place where you are able to understand it sweetheart.
Me:..........And I want to say that, after all these many years I've been walking with you I can FINALLY say that I have a good feeling toward you now.
Jesus:.......You know Robin; I'm as excited about what happened to you today as you are.
Me:..........I don't hate you any more!!! I can say that I might even love (?) you now!!!
Jesus:......You don't know how much that gladdens my heart to hear you say that my sweet, sweet, darling girl.
Me:..........I know you know what happened but I have to say it to you anyway - because I want the whole world to know about this. I'm going to send our talk to my Pastors and friends - you know - so they can know what happened.
Jesus:.......I know. I can totally understand that you would want the whole world to get it the way you got "it" today. This is a huge step for you in your walk with me.
Me:..........I know. I can hardly contain myself - I'm so ecstatically happy!!! Such a weight has been lifted totally off my shoulders.
Jesus:......I can feel that - and I'm soooo happy by all your happiness sweetie. Now we can finally walk together..and there's so much more I have to teach you..about living in this world. I can hardly contain my own happiness for you myself!!
Me:..........I'm going to tell them - what happened!!!
Jesus:......You go right ahead. And I'll be there right with you too.
To whomever might get anything out of this.
I was in the nail parlor today - Yesterday, my husband & I were coming home from our couples therapy session. I was talking to him about - blame - and how I grew up in a home where "blame" was the watch-word of the day. I was talking about "enough" with Jerry (my husband) and that, although I'd experienced my share of child abuse, I was only on a sliding scale of horror-filled lives.
So there I was, getting of all things - a pedicure!
And I was sitting there all guilty-like because I was having someone work on my feet.
I experienced my share of abuse, and most people in this world had experienced less abuse than I as a child -- but -- that there were also people who'd experienced way more than I did. Like for instance, girls who'd given birth to their father's babies; Ritual abuse-victims Incest victims; etc.
I've been running around trying to deal with this "blame" thing for a very long time, and finding no answers that would get me out from under it even though it made my life feel like a massive grind. No matter how good or bad I'd had it I was in a mind-set of blaming God for all the bad stuff I've had to deal with.
So there I was; getting my feet done, and thinking about this awful blaming thing - when I had a FLASH of insight. An illumination that rocked me to the very core of myself.
I've been looking - fully - dazedly - focused on - all the hardships and difficulties I've had
to deal with in my life. But there I was - having so much money I could afford to get my feet done!! In this recession where people are loosing there very homes - I was getting my feet done!!
What a blessing!!! In these times of terrible hardship - I was able to afford to have my feet done!!
It hit my right between the eyes. Is this life of mine
My Life..Is it about Blessings? ....or.... Is it about Hardships & Difficulties?
I began ruminating.."Blessings or Hardships?" .. "Blessings or Hardships?"
Then it hit me.right between the eyes!!It's really about -- BOTH!!
Then it hit me.right between the eyes!!.......But where has my focus been?
I'd had my eyes; my ears; all of me; focused on.....the Hardships & Difficulties!!!
Which mainlined me into what I was taught growing up
.Someone has to take the BLAME for all these hardships.all these difficulties!!
Someone has to pay!!
Yet it can't be people.
Because everyone on this lump of dirt is scrambling. Everyone is just doing the best they can. with what they know..to get by. No.. I couldn't blame people - really..
And I can't even really blame Satan, because.Even Satan scrambles !
A very weird thing to say - that Satan scrambles - but think about it a minute. Hasn't even Satan been given limitations by God - who created him? Just like me, he has to behave within a certain set of God-given rules no matter what he thinks or feels about them. True, he has been given much larger parameters than I've been given; and I'm not saying I shouldn't be very wary of his vile ways, but it's certainly not "the sky's the limit" for Satan either, just like it's not "the sky's the limit" for me. So - even Satan scrambles - to get by - with what he knows.
But someone has to PAY!..... And there's nobody else to go after It must be God!!
It's only God who doesn't have to scramble. He can do whatever he pleases in His universe. He created Satan with full knowledge of the wreckage this angel would cause. And He chose to leave us here - to scramble - with hardships & difficulties.
But what about the "Blessings" part? Why have I been leaving these out of the equation entirely?
They certainly are as solid a thing going on as the "Hardships & Difficulties". Aren't they?
Yes they are!!! And, though I chose not to see them, they've been there - all along. And don't these "Blessings" given to me deserve some time and attention given to them too? YES!!
Yet I've been treating all the "Blessings" in my life like they are poor cousins. I've been treating all the "Blessings" in my life as though they didn't even exist !!!
I've heard.."Count your Blessings".. I've heard this a ton of times in A.A.
But this was .. DIFFERENT !!
This was COUNT..YOUR..... BLESSINGS !!
Because. Living a Decent Life DEPENDS ON IT!
"Count your blessings" and see all your anger and blame toward God & Jesus disappear !!
When I "Count my Blessings" I can stop being mad at Jesus and the Father.
If I "Count my blessings"; God can be woven into my life so that I can be full and happy.
Just FLIP IT !!
Focus on my blessings And begin to treat hardships & difficulties like poor cousins.
Treat the hardships & difficulties like they don't even exist! Sometimes this is hard to do.
Sometimes I have to hunt and search and dig for those blessings like hunting for eggs
(or in my case jelly beans) at Easter time. It's hard to do but it can be done. I've done it.
Philippians 4:8 NIV
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
So "Count my Blessings" so that I can finally WANT to be with my Father and with Jesus!!
So I will WANT to get close to them!
So I will WANT to learn all I can from them!
So I will WANT to absorb all I can from their written word!
So I will WANT to listen to them!
So I will WANT to pray with them!
So I will WANT to absorb all I can of them!
.."Count your Blessings"!!!......... "Focus on your Blessings"!!...............
Count my blessings so I can have all of these things!!!
Because my angermy hatred..and my BLAME!!
And I can.finally.finally.finallybegin to really Love my Father.and Jesus,
my beloved Christ.
Jesus:......I love you my dear, dear, dear sweet Robin.
Me:..........I know you do. But, for the first time in 28 years of walking with You,
I can finally say.
I love you Pops. I love you Jesus !!
PS: I truly feel that this inspiration was a gift from God and, for quite a while now, I've taken it deep into my heart.
I've been counting Blessings so that it's gotten to where just being alive feels like a Blessing. For me, to think this way is a major miracle I have to say.
Every day there are blessings all around me to focus on.
I don't "Count my Blessings" consciously any more now. My mind is tuned into "Blessing".
From the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep, my focus is toward the good things about life.
My "Blessings" thinking has become as automatic as breathing.
And you know, even breathing in itself - good, fresh, oxygen - I can see & feel as a "Blessing".
I don't really have anything to say about myself other than the fact that I "feel" the Holy Spirit in me on a 24/7 basis. I'm a sober alcoholic and it is only by the Holy Spirit's power that I am still alive.
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