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What CAN I be Doing in my Single Season
by LaVonia Tryon
6/04/2012 / Christian Living
Use this time to fix whatever you are not happy about in your life, because it won't magically get better in marriage. In fact, it will get worse because you have now brought a "Single" problem into your "married" relationship. If you are a selfish, immature, insecure, sexually frustrated Single, you will still have these characteristics when you get married until you allow God to heal these areas. Sweeping them under the rug or thinking that they will disappear once you get married is delusional and could be detrimental to building a healthy partnership. You now have to focus on situations that could and should have been fixed in the Single stage of your life as a now married individual. You will end up draining the one you're with attempting to seek a healing that can only be provided by God.
Build that personal resume; the list of what you will bring to the table. From a woman's perspective, many times we are so quick to tell a person what we expect and what we are not going to do in a dating relationship that we fail to mention what we will do. What do we have to offer that will make this person want to make a concentrated effort in sharing in our life? If you can't quickly and surely answer that question, that may be another task to accomplish in your Single life.
Naturally speaking, would you buy a car if the dealer's only sales pitch was, "This car doesn't go over 100 MPH, it doesn't turn sharp corners very well, it requires you to change the oil and filter every other month, and requires you to change the brakes yearly with monthly scheduled maintenance. It is oversized so you will have to find special parking for it, and after 50,000 miles, what you see is what you get because the warranty expires." I can pretty much guarantee that you would hesitate in buying it because nothing was explained in an attractive manner. Although all of the mentioned is true to the car, it's not what you lead with if you want to make a sell. I believe to an extent, the same concept applies with relationships. If all the person is informed of is the work they are required to put in, and they are not presented with any of the perks of how you will add value to their life, or what distinguishes you from all the others; it may be a bit more difficult to get them to buy in. This should not be misconstrued to say that all of the "maintenance" shouldn't be addressed, because you definitely don't want to make my mistake of portraying the "perfect mate' from Chapter 2. Discuss them, but don't blow your own sale with the wrong pitch.
While you're Single, use this time to beef up your resume. Finish school, start your business, pay off your debt and make your resume speak for itself. Become your best you. Figure out your sales pitch. God has His best companion orchestrated for you, but I don't believe that He will ordain that appointment until you are working to be your best. You can't expect to get a ten if you are slumming it around the fives.
Date yourself. The same energy that you would spend getting to know the ins and outs of a potential boo, use that time getting to know yourself. Find out your quirks, your fears, your hopes, your deal-breakers, and your annoying habits (no, you are not perfect); even what type of eggs you like in the morning. You'd be surprised how much stuff about you that you don't even know. May sound silly, but this encounter with self can be powerfulif done right.
I spent time going to restaurants alone and ordering dinner. This may be a small feat for you, but for me it was a big one. I am always the last person to order at the table. I'm the one that always asks other people what I should eat, the one who ends up getting six suggestions from the wait staff, only to order something totally different. Doesn't bother me, but I've seen some people get pretty annoyed by it. This is a task that I will be turning over to my husband freely. (Let's just call it an added perk of being the head of the household.) I've also learned that although I love to visit other places, I don't have a burning desire to live outside of Texas. I almost always overdress for an event. I can't do cold weather well. I think matching is overrated and cats and lizards scare me. These are only a few of my quirks; you would be wise to figure out yours while you only have yours to worry about.
Marriage is not a be-all-end-all-cure-all to the issues that you face as a Single. Whatever issues you have now you will have them married, unless you take care of them beforehand. It's one thing to be incomplete and miserable single, but it's a whole 'nother thing to be that and be going to bed with someone else every night.
. Fix whatever is lacking or needs improvement in your Single life so as to not bring it into your marriage.
I've spoken to married people that disclosed how they felt lonely in their marriage and I can only imagine the heartache this brings. I was never alone in my engagement per se, but I was desperately lonely. I now realize the value of respecting my time alone and the seriousness of co-habitation in marriage because we can't say, "Go home please," or "I would like to be alone now," to our spouse without one person being uprooted from their own home. Your space is no longer your own, so being confined with a person that leaves you feeling lonely (or desperately making you wish you were alone) should spark another sober examination of your readiness for marriage.
One strategy of learning the art of being alone but not feeling lonely is to practice being by yourself. Turn the TV off, cut off your ringer, sign off from Facebook and Twitter and just be. Commit to not filling the silence with something, but to just rest in the peace of being with you. It's easier said than done. The average person can only comfortably stand silence for a few seconds when in the presence of other people without trying to fill it in some way. I have lived alone for the past nine years and I have only recently begun to understand the magnitude of being content alone, and I still find it hard to just be and really do nothing. When I am alone, I am either reading a book, watching a movie, talking on the phone, cleaning the house, or doing something else. It is almost unnatural to just do nothing. Why is this? I believe partially because we seek companionship; we were created to be together.
Christ exemplifies this concept when He states that we are many members but one body and the Bible even advises against being alone because there is no one to help us up when we fall. Although He understands the desire and need for companionship, (because He created it) I don't believe that He was saying to never be alone. Jesus would often steal away to be alone with our Father. Desiring company or the pleasure of being with others is not to be seen as negative, but it can be a crutch if you don't know how to be comfortable alone. At this point in your life, you have the choice to spend as much time alone as you desire and I encourage you to enjoy it fullysoak it all in. When we get married, your space will be shared with your mate and your family, so this will turn into one of those, "If I would have known then what I know now" moments. Time to be alone then may be a rare commodity.
LaVonia R. Tryon is an Author, Entrepreneur, Public Speaker, and Motivator. Her unique insight into scripture and wholehearted desire to deliver the voice of God to Singles is evident in her daily lifestyle. Author of NOT Another Singles Book: copyright 2011 All rights reserved
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