I have been told I should write for a living, but the problem with that is I can only write about what I know, what I have experienced in some way myself; and it seems the majority of my experiences these last few years have centered around physical pain. I have read a lot about pain from other people's perspectives and I believe that to really understand pain you have to go through it yourself. Having someone describe it to you just doesn't have the same impact; you don't get that "light bulb" moment of understanding. There are so many kinds and types of pain, a skinned knee when you fall off your bicycle as a child. You bump into a table with your shin or hit the preverbal "funny bone" on your elbow-which of course is not funny at all. Then there is the pain of childbirth, which is forgotten once you hold your baby making the past nine months and birth worth every second of pain.
And then there is mental pain, often physical and mental pain ride along together, the physical pain causing mental pain. When physical pain can't be cured or in many cases even properly diagnosed it can invade your life and consume your thoughts. Pain that won't be quieted no matter what the Doctor's do. C.S. Lewis once said, "Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world." I think pain is a promise made to us by God. Our lives here on earth are at best filled with insecurity, guilt, worry, troubles, these are promised, as we are all sinful in our nature. God doesn't promise shiny new cars and million dollar mansions; nor the perfect job with a perfect boss. This is not to say that joy does not come into our lives of course it does, but no one can escape pain.
Each step we take in this life is a test of who we are and what we truly believe. I wish I could explain in some profound manner why some people suffer pain and other seem to "skate" through life. I simply don't know and I have not found anything that explains this mystery. I wish I could tell you that I have gained wisdom beyond my years from enduring so much physical pain in my body, but I can't do that either. All I know is that each step I take brings me one step closer to Him, if I choose that path. I can choose to be bitter and resentful and turn away from God, even blame Him for not answering my thousands of prayers for healing. I can even lose heart, but I choose to seek more. I do believe each of us carriers something, some type of struggle within our lives, maybe our insecurities, maybe our worries about our loved ones. I just happen to carry my struggle outwardly in my physical body. Sometimes I can hide it from people but most often if you will look close enough you will see the paleness of my skin and the pain in my eyes.
Now as I lay in bed exhausted from the day my pain still won't subside. I look back at my day. I got up, ran a few errands, no not all of them; I put away a few Christmas decorations and did some laundry. I kept moving even though I didn't want to, even though each step in the store felt like it was the very last ounce of energy I had left. Each time I smiled at a stranger or said "Thank You", I meant it for God. He pushed me along, watched me move from place to place and let me see that sometimes courage is just getting up and getting through your day.
I have such a longing for the time when the pain will be gone forever and I will be free, but for now I will take the pain and the courage to get up one more day.
I have been writing all my life, I just didn't realize it until I was my late 40's. I hope my experiences can help other who have gone through similar trials. This story is a bit different for me, however I feel compelled to write what I see, even if it isn't always happy.