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Longings Unfilled, A Perspective on What it is Like in the Waiting Period
by stephanie reck
4/14/2014 / Christian Living
In this article, the author will share her experiences and her heart on longings being unfilled. The author will share her perspective on waiting for desires of the heart to be fulfilled. My prayer for this article is that others do not feel alone, and other's will post and share their story, their lessons, and any advice and hope in the wait. Please post any comments at the bottom of this article, and share with others who need to hear this message.
What have you been waiting for God to fulfill in your life?
Pain comes in many forms and suffering comes to us all. I am no stranger to pain and suffering. Sometimes it can feel like you are all alone, and like no one really understands what you are going through. Sometimes, the pain comes in waves, other times it lays dormant, just waiting for a time to slip out and cause me emotional turmoil. There are times that I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride, my feelings and emotions ebb and flow with certain times and seasons.
I have deep longings that I cannot contain sometimes. There are times these deep-seated emotions get triggered and these emotions fall upon me like an avalanche. I have done everything I know possible to wait with a "thankful heart," but sometimes, I fail miserably, and I sink it a pit of sorrow and despair. I want so desperately to have what I think would bring me joy and excitement. There are some things that I cannot seem to get a hold of at times, and these longings get the better of me. I am desperate to not feel this way, but there are times the enemy sends me little reminders of what I don't have and before you know it, if I am already tired, sick, or hormonal, then I fall for the lie and the trap of the enemy. I long to keep my emotions and feelings in check and not have them spill out and cause me anguish. I long to be free from the waiting period, and just move on already.
For some of us, the longing in our hearts is for a spouse, for some it is for a child, and for others it is a supportive family. I have several deep, unresolved, longings in my heart. Sometimes, I think, "I have healed from those longings, but then a reminder, and I start the longing all over again." I did find my companion, my best friend, but I had a child from a previous relationship in my teenage years. I carried a lot of shame for having a child so young. My only child is living a different lifestyle than me, he is my prodigal child. I have waited, prayed, and cried for his return for 9 years. My heart grows heavy sometimes for him, and I realize that I may not see the desire of my heart for grandchildren in this lifestyle. I do know, God has my child, and follows and pursues him, but sometimes, it feels a heavy weight, and I need a time-out to "slip away from the crowds and grieve to God." I know he hears my cries for my child, but sometimes I wonder, "When will this end?"
I have always desired to have at least 4 children, but early on in our marriage we detected I was having trouble conceiving. I did see a fertility doctor, had surgery, took hormone shots, and waited in faith as my church family told me. Well, the wait is now 12 years. Twelve years to have a child. Some might say, "Well you already have a child." My answer would be, "Yes, but I was so young and did not enjoy the pregnancy and I long to have a child with my Godly husband and raise the child in the ways of the Lord." I am pro adoption and of course pro-life, so we tried to adopt through the foster care system, the unfortunate tragedy was that we kept the baby boy for a month, but I was not willing to allow the parents another 6 months to a year to fulfill their service agreement and possibly get their child back. All sorts of fears crept up in me, "I thought if there is a possibility that I may have to give this child up in 6 months or a year if these parents decide to get their acts together, and that may be way too difficult for me." We decided that foster-adopt would not work for us, because of the heavy risks involved in losing a child, and since we were already undergoing such heartache trying to conceive that this would not be an option for us, but I believe it is a beautiful thing when the right family can take a child from the foster care system. I was so heart-broken after that incident that I was not even wanting to look at foreign or domestic adoption.
My other longing is for my family and my husband's family to know Jesus, and to be healed of dysfunction, mental illness, and addictions. You see, both our families with the exception of a small few, have tremendous issues. I long for them to receive Christ and for the ones who are battling addiction, mental illness, or some sort of dysfunction to be healed. I have tried to reach them over the years, by sharing the Gospel in word and deed, bringing them to church, trying to help financially, and just listening to them, but several have chosen to go a different path. With all the family turmoil, I did not think it was fair at this point to bring a child into our family through adoption. I just thought, "It would not be fair to subject an innocent child to the family chaos." I felt all my dreams came crashing down and I begin to shut down. Something closed up inside of me at that time, and I stopped hoping and the heartache became unbearable. I thought, "I can't being a child into our home when I don't even want to get out of bed." Them the depression hits, debilitating, and horrific. I stopped living, caring, stopped desiring, and just stopped everything.
So what happens when you wait, wait, and wait some more, and then your hope gets deferred once again? You have two options, you can redefine your life and move past the waiting or you can stop and remain stuck. So here I am, I am turning 40 in 2 weeks, and I am still in the waiting. I have been in the waiting for 12 years, but I am tired of feeling stuck. I want to move past the waiting. I want to know that if these desires never get fulfilled that I can live and be joyful. I want to also have an incredible faith that says," Nothing is impossible with God." I want God to resurrect old dreams if he chooses and give me new desires and dreams.
The reality is desires of the heart that go unfilled for a time can be painful. We need to acknowledge that pain to God. We may need to at times step away from the crowds and be with Jesus, He is the only one who can shed light and bring you the comfort you need. There are times you may need to say," No "to an activity or function that would be painful or a reminder if you are already feeling weak and vulnerable. Do not push yourself to do anything that God is not leading you to do. Take time for yourself, and be good to yourself. Do things that you enjoy. Repurpose your life. Take a day or however long it takes and slip away with the Lord, and ask Him to show you what He desires for you.
Ask God these questions?
1. What are your desires for me?
2. How do I heal my heart and my desires?
3. How do I repurpose my life?
4. How do I get unstuck and move past the waiting?
5. Do you have new dreams for me or do old dreams need to be resurrected again?
We pursue you today and ask that you open our hearts to your will and desires for us. Show us what you desire for us, and how to let go of our fleshy desires. God help us to have an unbelievable faith and help us to build new dreams and show us what old dreams should come back to life. God show us what you have for us, and help us not want anything that is not from you or in your will for us.
In Jesus name, amen
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