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Frontier Town of Fast Mounts Battles Problem of Speeding Horses

by Greg Miller  
4/24/2015 / Humor

By Greg Miller 2015

Deputy Rhoads was in charge of enforcing the Speeding Horse Ordinance in the small frontier town of Fast Mounts.

The problem of speeding horses is getting to be totally out of control, the deputy told Sheriff Streets. Im spending so much of my time hauling speeding riders to the hoosegow that Im spending no time at all on the Parked Horses Ordinance.

Yeah, Rhoads, Ive noticed that, Sheriff Streets observed. It seems respect for law and order is almost non-existent here.

All council members were in agreement about the problem of speeding horses. However, they could not agree on a solution.

The problem got so bad that Mayor Courts called a special meeting of the Fast Mounts Town Council. Mayor Courts prayed an opening prayer and called the meeting to order.

I propose we work on a phased-in solution, said Councilman Lane. I think we should begin with an ordinance to ban all galloping within town limits.

Yeah, thats a wonderful idea, agreed Deputy Rhoads.

Sure, said Councilman Boulevard. For the first offense, there will not be a fine. The second offense will result in a fine of two silver dollars. The third offense will draw fine of 10 silver dollars. On a fourth offense, the rider and horse will be banned from town for an entire month.

Everyone agreed a no-galloping-in-town ordinance was a great first step in stopping speeding horses. Dr. Alley proposed a second phase. I think we should ban all horses from town one week each month, he said.

Deputy Rhoads saw a benefit to the proposed week-a-month ban. We will all be walking more, he said. That means well be a lot healthier, too.

Wed also be healthier if wed all eat an apple a day, said Sheriff Streets. Doctor, you always have a bowl of apples in your office for your patients, and most of us are pretty healthy.

Deputy Rhoads said three city officials should be allowed to keep their horses in town all the time. I suggest Sheriff Streets, Dr. Alley and I have access to our horses all the time, he said. The sheriff and I may need our horses in the performance of our duty of keeping the peace.

And Dr. Alley may be called out of town on a moments notice to deliver a baby or treat another patient. Hes also our minister, so he may be needed to pray for someone in the surrounding community. So in his case, having his horse nearby may be a matter of spiritual or physical life-and-death!

To contact the writer of this column about speaking engagements, including Christian Comedy Fundraising Outreaches, Christian Creativity Seminars and/or puppet ministry, please email [email protected].

By Greg Miller 2018

Greg is retired from the Elizabethton STAR Newspaper, after working there for almost 23 years. He now freelances for the paper. Contact email address is [email protected], also facebook.com/kidcool4jesus. Available for speaking engagements/other ministries. Jesus is Lord

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