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The Struggle Of The Heart

by Dinora Garza  
5/24/2016 / Christian Living

After so many years trusting in the Lord, a battle has unleashed within me. Even when I've fought this feeling for some time now, I find my heart discontented with God's will, questioning His decisions about my life, especially my health. "Why?" is the constant question of my heart, even when I realize He will not give me an answer. Being the Sovereign God and my Maker, He has every right to do as He pleases with me. "Will the clay say to the potter, 'What are you doing?" Yet I keep feeling like God has wronged me. I keep thinking,"This shouldn't be the life of a Christian."

Why is it so hard to surrender everything to God? Why, if He perfects us through pain, do we feel He doesn't love us enough? Why, when He has given us all in heaven and on earth by giving us His Precious, sublime, altogether lovely and worthy Son, do we still feel angry at Him?

I realize the measure of my sin and my rebellion, especially when I compare my life to the millions of people suffering in wars, or dying from starvation. What is my suffering compared to theirs? It is nothing and less than nothing. If I compare my health or lack thereof to the one of people with cancer, painful, horrible cancer, I am obviously fortunate, immensely fortunate. Yet I don't feel that way. Why? Why do I feel so miserable and so upset? Why do I rebel against the Holy God and dare to condemn His ways?

I find myself exclaiming with Paul, "Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?" or rather, "Who will cure me of my rebellion?" While I want to surrender to God in my mind, I keep fighting Him at heart. There are no more fitting words to my situation than those of Susana Wesley, "I am my own worst enemy, Grant me Thy Grace, O Lord. Amen."

I am a Christian. My passion is to know the Lord, and help others to understand His character and will. Read one of my blogs at: onetruthonegod.wordpress.com

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