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Adventures in Healthy Eating

by Tonja Taylor  
11/11/2019 / Humor


This is a humorous (and true!) account of my adventures about 10 years ago. Really.

It all started when I was rereading a book about (ACV) apple cider vinegar, searching for the healthy answer to My Beloved’s less-than-desirable bowel condition (Don’t gross out; I never talked about these things in my 20s and 30s. But for some reason, this subject has become a more common topic between My Beloved and me, since we entered our 40s a few years ago.).

According to the author, who seemed to be an expert in nutrition, a simple and effective remedy for such a condition is to boil flaxseed and water for just 15 minutes. Also according to them, the consistency of the mixture would then become “gel-like.”

What they didn’t mention is, it looks like snot!

At first it was OK. It looked rather like dark brown cream of wheat or something. But the more it cooled, the more snot-like it became. After avoiding it as long as I could while actually doing some work (housework and writing), I picked up the pan. I knew I had to put it in the refrigerator, for it would be a few hours before My Beloved was home.

I got a spatula and told myself, “Okay, Tonja, you can do this. God promised to be with you in every situation!” I shuddered only slightly as I picked up the pan and carefully started peeling the substance out of the pan. When it finally all let go of the pan and fell into a weird-looking blob in the jar--still moving after at least 60 seconds, as it settled in, I suppose.

I imagined marketing it for teen boys and tricksters to use as faux brains and other morbid things.

I love my husband. I really do. And, because I’m a woman of my word, and a woman of The Word, I did this for him, for I had told him I would.

But as I looked at the stuff, slowly sliding down the sides and finally settling into the bottom of the jar like some dying science experiment, I wish I hadn’t (neither prepared nor looked at it, that is!).

I held my breath for a few seconds, asking in my heart, LORD, is it OK for me to give this to My Beloved? Or is there a better way?

I could just imagine God dispatching an angel to come down and, while smashing his shining sword against the glass, the angel would glare at me, exclaiming, “Thou shalt not feed snot to thine husband!”

“But it’s not....” I’d reply in defense, albeit wearily.

(A poem comes to mind, sort of--ahem!


                Snot
                It’s not!


but I’m being redundant. Or at least the angel would think so. I hear they take everything literally.)

“I would never feed snot to My Beloved!” I’d try again, to convince the angel, whom, mission accomplished, would have disappeared during my poetic distraction.

I also hear that angels can’t read minds. For that, I am grateful. However, Daddy God can, and He would surely take up for me. He’s good about that with us—His precious, if sometimes strange children. He knew I was truly trying to be like the woman in Proverbs 31, and “do my husband good and not evil all the days of his life.”

To be practical, I wouldn’t need an angel to guide me anyway. I have the Holy Spirit for that.

But He wasn’t saying anything. Hmm.....

More than once, our pastor has stated that, if we’re doing all we know to adhere to the Bible and please God in every part of our lives, then we should do what is in our hearts, unless the LORD directs us otherwise.

"Okay, LORD, I need wisdom, please." 

No reply. Not even a whisper.

"I know You are on my side," I told Him. "And You know I don't want to sin. I only wanna do my Beloved good. Really.

I looked again at the creepy concoction and held it up to the light. “Revolting” was too trite a worde. And I was thankful that the LORD had not called me to be a nurse. Then, admist the angst, another stanza surfaced:


           Snot
           it’s not;
           It’d be worse
           Were I a nurse


(OK, I didn’t say these were good stanzas, I just said they surfaced under duress—which rhymes with stress. Many weird things can happen under stress, or duress. But I digress, I guess. (Ha. There. Thanks for letting me get that out. Now let’s move on!)

Next, I grabbed a lid and covered the jar and put it in the refrigerator. I checked it again after a half hour. It still looked like laboratory material. But sometimes good “help” comes in small containers (or is that “good things come in small containers”? Or even just in containers?).

Nevertheless (Finally! I got the chance to use that word.), it came in a container and it was a thing, all right.

I wondered what My Beloved would think when he saw it......

I quickly shut the fridge, then, with quite a burden for My Beloved, I had to write a note:


         “Darling Man” (My Beloved),
          Don’t look at this. Just ingest it. (You know--eat it!)
                          Love,
                          Your Tonja

          P.S. You can do it! Really! 

Yes, I used “ingest” instead of eat cause I thought it sounded more like what a medical professional would say. Then again, maybe I wouldn’t make such a bad nurse after all.

But never mind. I have books and songs to write and kiddos to teach, and that keeps me plenty busy, which is good for all those people that I might try to treat were I a nurse.

Anyway, just in case you’re wondering, Beloved did, indeed, ingest it. He even thanked me for it.

That was years ago, and he is doing fine….......as far as we know!

So, lest you feel alone in your adventures in healthy eating, remember this: God will never leave you nor forsake you (Heb. 13:5) and, “even if you (unknowingly) drink poison, the LORD will protect you.” (Mark 16:18)!

HALLELUJAH!

If those don’t help you as they should, then at least trust this: “Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good. His love endures forever.” (Psalm 136:1)

Tonja K. Taylor is the author of many works, including THE ADVENTURES OF PRINCESS PEARL, P.O.W.E.R.* Girl! series. She and her husband Clayton minister the Word through teaching, preaching, and the arts, on River Rain Creative Arts (You Tube, God Tube), AnchorFM, their church, the region, and beyond

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