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Losing Myself

by Jan Ackerson  
11/02/2006 / Short Stories

Dan and I married youngwe were children, reallybut I was charmed by the curls that played at his neck, and by his raspy chuckle. Those were reasons enough to marry, as it turns out. Years later, those same qualities still quicken my breath.

Not long ago, we waved at our darling Lily as she embarked on a new life with her own curly-haired charmer, in a flurry of lace. Dans arm tightened around my waist as their car disappeared, and he whispered in my ear. Were still young, sweetheart. Time to do something new.

"Something new" was a spiritual itch that had plagued him for months. Dan wanted to be a missionaryhad felt the call and started to research mission fields and financial arrangements while I was occupied with Lilys wedding. I strained to hear the same voice that had reached my husbands ears, but God was silent to me. I followed Dan anyway, transported to a distant land by the power of my love for him.

The air in my new country was richer than that of my home, thicker with exotic smells. Colors were more brilliant, the music filled with stranger harmonies. The language, when I learned it, fell softly from my tongue. The children were precious with their quick and dazzling smiles, the women sweetly shy. Yet I resisted falling in love with my new residence. My heart was home with Lily and her husband, with the granddaughter whose growth was chronicled in a well-worn photo album.

A few mornings ago, I awoke realizing that I had dreamed not in English but in my adopted tongue. I felt bemused, as if I was losing myself. The feeling intensified as I shopped for vegetables in the open-air market. Surrounded by the liquid syllables of native speakers, I was startled when an English-speaking tourist grasped my elbow and asked for directions. I blinked at her, uncomprehending, having to translate her words mentally before I could formulate a reply.

And yesterday, I sat in the front row of our cinder-block church, listening to the linguistic dance of Dan and his co-pastor, partners in the Lord. Dan spoke, his partner translated, the congregation laughed at his self-deprecating humorand I realized that I had not heard Dans words at all, but had waited for the translation. I am fading away, I thought. If we stay here, I will disappear.

I spent the afternoon in something more closely resembling whining than prayer. "Your work is flourishing here, Lord. Dan loves it. But I have done nothing for Your kingdom, and I am all alone. Why did You bring me here if only to watch me evaporate? How can I serve You if I dont know who I am?" My vaulted and chained spirit locked out Gods reply.

This morning, I kissed Dan good-bye, wrapped a colorful skirt around my waist, and prepared a cup of the local tea, spicy and sweet. While I sipped, I listened to the cacophony of accusing birds in the trees outside and explored the borders of my soul. My reverie was interrupted by a knock at the door.

It was my neighbor, a quiet woman with whom Id occasionally shared a loaf of flat bread or a fruit-filled treat. Tears streaked her cheeks and she fell into my arms, weeping her husbands name. He had been unfaithful to her, I learned, because of her inability to bear him a child. His mistress was now pregnant, and he had put her from their home, penniless and bereft.

I held her stiffly at first, unsure how to minister to this grieving woman, but my arms relaxed as a peacefulness settled upon mea warmth that spread from the roots of my hair to my sandaled feet. My neighbors tears subsided, and she whimpered a proverb used to communicate despair: literally translated, she told me "with every rising of the sun, my teeth are broken anew."

Gods words filled all of the empty spaces in my spirit. He is faithful, I said, using the pronoun that means 'the Holy one.' With every rising of the sun, His mercy comes anew.

She cradled her head on my shoulder, drawing deep breaths. The mirror on the wall reflected my blonde hair mingling with her raven tresses, her chocolate arms intertwining with my pale ones. I locked eyes with the missionary in the mirror and smiled.

We held each other for many minutes, two women discovering grace.

Jan is a Christian who has traveled through sorrow and depression, and has found victory and grace. She dedicates all writings to her Heavenly Father. Check out Jan's website at
Copywrite Jan Ackerson--2006

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