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The City of Me

by Karon Goodman  
4/09/2008 / Christian Living

Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.
Proverbs 16:32

If I could just get everyone to cooperate with me, everyday would be a walk in the Garden before invertebrates attacked. Maybe you can relate. I mean, really, the aggravation of things. I've explained my needs and plans to God over and over, and I think He's been listening -- He's just not been responding like I would have liked.

For several years now, He's been working it the other way. Less attack-and-destroy and more self-management, He says. Ugh. B-o-r-r-r-r-i-n-g. And not exactly my strong suit, Lord, I argue. It will be, He promises. Heavy sigh. But how, I need to know?

"Let Me teach you, pause, wait, speak quietly, *trust Me* to take care of what's Mine," He orders, with great love, of course. Hmmm . . . that's looking a little tough. But I'm game, I tell Him, and with years of practice now, it's getting a little easier. If you knew me, you'd know that's really saying something. And if you could see my insides while we fight the front lines of life, you'd see that it hasn't been pretty.

Being the neurotic, type-A, over-thinking control freak that I am, reserving judgment and withholding comment is no small feat. It's a daily tug-of-war God and I wage, where I tell Him that the derelict and offending party could benefit immeasurably from my input and He tells me to stuff it. Of course, He's much more polite than that but I get the message. "Leave it to Me . . . do what I told you before. . . *trust Me* . . . pray," He says. And so I go on, trying not to mumble too loudly, grateful for another lesson, wrapped in His grace.

I ask God daily to help me with this big stretch of a change for me, and never One to resist a challenge, He says ok, let's work on it. Yet sometimes I let my battle plan take over and continue to be rash, distrustful and over-reactive in the face of a problem or setback, like this:

I've been rash in my thinking, with my mind immediately going to the worst possible scenario when there were perfectly acceptable and equally plausible scenarios I could have focused on instead. But no, what was the point of such rational behavior when I could work myself into a faithless fit instead?

I've been distrustful of God's ability to handle the problem without my considerable help. I know, such arrogance, but I didn't see it that way. I was taking the "let me fix this by myself" approach, loud and pushy so that no one would miss it. I mean, if God didn't want my help, why would He put me right in the middle of the mess and expect me to take care of it?

I've been over-reactive with my words that often shot at unsuspecting targets with better aim than heat-seeking missiles in a bonfire. It was stunningly important to share my unique and piercing words of wisdom and correction -- you can't imagine how valuable my contributions to the situation always were. Yeah.

And what always followed my rash, distrustful and over-reactive behavior was stress, unrest, discouragement, regret and a peace account so far in the red I was one big sun-burned nerve about to break. And did I mention not one molecule of God showing through my march, not one victory worth the sacrifice?

Something had to change. I'm slow to figure things out, but finally even I could see that my having a fit failed to make anything better or pave a fruitful path to discussion and cooperation among those in my life. My protests to God to eliminate the causes of my repeated aggravation apparently fell on His more discerning ears, and He arrived at "no" for an answer. Well then.

So I moved on to more sensible, more divinely-ordered requests. Maybe the elimination could start with *me* -- horror of horrors -- with eliminating some of my unproductive and unscriptural behavior. Maybe I could learn -- haven't I heard this before -- to wait, pause, be quiet, be the voice of calm and reason and restraint -- somehow, in some small way, the voice of one who listens to God and trusts in Him always. Could it be . . . ?

And so He answers me in my mess not with a lack of experiences in which to practice new behaviors but the daily grace to master them. The problems and setbacks and aggravations still come, but I begin to see I have a choice. I can continue with my words rash, distrustful and over-reactive, or I can pause, breathe, pray, trust, and yes, even *help* with my discipline, restraint, faith and calm, trusting God to indeed handle what I've aptly demonstrated that I can't, time and time again.

My rant-yelling and assumption-making and conclusion-jumping never failed to produce the undeniable results of a city -- a spirit -- imploded and at risk. His way *is* better.

He knows I can't do this alone, so He is faithfully present with me, like my spiritual "get back" coach, the coach on the sidelines who keeps the football players off the field in celebration or frustration so they don't get in trouble with the officials. It's an ongoing process, learning and relearning, and the Lord is used to my clumsy progress, so we carry on.

He sits beside me when the inevitable bad situation or hurtful problem asserts itself, and before I can spring to my feet and spurt damage I can't take back, His grace surrounds me like a shield I can see, holding me still, calming me down and lining up the words in my head that will seek to help and support instead of order or offend.

We're working on it, just like He said, and when we get it right, others know. Others benefit from the grace I receive and the reflection of God they see in me. That's the city I want to rule.

Karon Goodman is an inspirational writer and speaker from Alabama. Her latest book is "Pursued by the Shepherd: Every Woman's Journey from Lost to Found" and you can see more about her at http://karongoodman.com .

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