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After Miscarriage: A Note To Husbands

by Anna Wood  
12/03/2008 / Death

If your wife has suffered a miscarriage, you may be at a total loss as to what to do or say. First, it is important that you don't feel as if you have to make everything better; you can't make everything all better. Your wife has suffered a devastating loss and she is grieving. She needs time to process her grief and to feel it deeply. She needs you to be there for her, hold her, let her cry on your shoulder and tell her that you are sorry. She needs you to feel her loss and to acknowledge the loss that you yourself feel over the death of your child.

Too many men feel that a child isn't real until they can see it kicking or feel it moving in their wife's womb; others may not feel the reality of a child until that child is born and they are holding it in their arms. Please know that this child was very real from the moment of conception and your wife needs you to validate the brief life of your, and her, baby. Many men come across as not caring that their child has died when, in fact, they simply do not know how to express their emotions about it.

Try to see this from her perspective: your wife is looking down the road to birthday parties that she will never throw, cheeks that she will never kiss, toes she will never count, high school graduations she will never attend and weddings she will never help plan. This is loss on a devastating scale made worse by the fact that she may feel that her body has turned against her and caused the loss of her child. Hold her, caress her, tell her you love her and that you don't blame her and, if you can, cry with her. If she pulls away when you reach for her, gently try again. She doesn't want to feel that you are "doing your duty" to her but that you really care and want to hold her and be there for her so be persistent. Make sure she hears from you that the death of the baby was in no way her fault. Listen to her as she recounts her feelings (even if she does it every single day for a couple of months) and grieve with her. Let her know that you don't mind her crying (that is, after all, why God blessed you with big, strong shoulders--they are great for soaking up a woman's tears).

Remember that it may take your wife several weeks to several months to process her grief. She has to recover physically, as well as emotionally, from the loss. The pain may flare up again for her around the baby's due date as she remembers what could have been. The grief may return in waves through the years as the baby comes to mind; that is normal. However, if you think that your wife is sinking into depression (won't eat or eats too much, can't sleep or sleeps too much, seems inordinately obsessed with babies, loses interest in her other children or in you and the future, thinks about suicide), please get her professional help.

This is a very rough time for her so remember to bring her flowers, cook for her, wash the dishes, draw her a hot bath, do little things for her that, to her, speak love and, when she recovers, she will love you all the more for it. Remember that it may take her several weeks to return to a normal schedule and that you may have to pick up take out or deal with frozen pizza or cook yourself for a while. Above all, remember to pray for your wife and for yourself and read the Bible with her. Remind her that God is good, always, no matter what.

Anna Wood is a Christian wife, mother of 9 children, homeschooler and writer. Her desire is to know, love, and obey God and bring Him glory and help others to do the same. Her website is called The Apples of Gold and is at http://theapplesofgold.com

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