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FOUR A'S FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE
by willetta pilcher Marriage... everyone expects it to be a "live happily-ever-after situation and if there happens to be a problem... it will all be solved in thirty to sixty minutes. That scenario makes for a good story line but definitely not true to life for anyone! Marriage takes commitment such as the wedding vows state. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer and in almost every marriage there is some of each ingredient at some point or other. Sometimes there is more of one ingredient than another. Sometimes they come in pairs but such is life. Marriage was not instituted for "happiness"parse. Although the joy of oneness and wholeness must have been intense for the first couple. God's instructions to the first pair, Adam and Eve were, Gen 1:27-28 "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth." Gen 2:15 "And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it." With the pleasure of marriage came responsibility. One man working together with one woman to replenish the earth and subdue it. That required co-operation. Both were given equal responsibility for the earth. But neither of them was complete without the other. When God said he would make a helpmeet for Adam it revealed God's understanding that Adam needed companionship. A companion who would be able to reciprocate his feelings and who would be able to take an intelligent and appropriate part in his activities. Together they would accomplish God's bidding. Working together would require the communication of ideas and in the process sharing the spontaneous outflow of mutual respect and love for each other with an appreciation for the skills and deeds of the other. The man and woman would bond with each other to the exclusion of all others. There would be common care of children and a constant heartfelt worship of the heavenly Father. Such was to be the constitution of marriage. But sin entered paradise. Sin destroyed marriage as God intended it to be. Blame, division, domination, the desire for position, self-centeredness, selfishness along with hard, sweat producing work became the norm for marriage. And so today we struggle with the age old problems started so long ago when sin entered into the perfect beautiful garden that God himself had planted. Sin's curse is everywhere present upon this planet. But Jesus came to destroy sin's curse in our lives. We still live in a sin cursed world but we are given the ability to rise above it's influence in our lives through the Lord Jesus. Eph 2:2 - 10 "Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience: Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others. But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, by (grace ye are saved;) And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus: That in the ages to come he might show the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus. For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them." 1Jo 5:3-5 "For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous. For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God?" Therefore, as Christians we must strive to allow the workings of God in our lives as we overcome the curse of sin within our marriages. We must agree together to accept the responsibility laid upon mankind in the beginning, co-operate with our mate, communicate our ideas to each other with mutual respect and love with an appreciation for the skills and deeds of the other. There must be a mutual bonding that excludes all others and a common care of our children and a constant heartfelt worship of the heavenly Father. All this we are to strive to accomplish while we struggle in the natural with the effects of a fallen world. Our striving is not to be a "fleshly" striving. Rather it is to be the result of submission to the will of the Father and an obedience to the commands of Jesus to love one another even as He loved us. That love is a sacrificial love and can only be attained as we give ourselves wholeheartedly to the Lord Jesus Christ. As we submit to His Lordship we learn to give ourselves to our mates in an unconditional love. That my friend is not a "live-happily-ever-after" proposition. It takes dying to oneself and living for another. And dying is often messy and painful but love will overcome it all. So how shall I fulfill my responsibility... I believe there are four A's to be considered: 1. AWARENESS: What is my spouse's greatest need right now? How can I cooperate with God to fulfill that need. So often we see the "need" in our mate and want to "fix it." And so with "fleshly wisdom" we start in on that person trying to change them. Criticism and attempted coercion comes into play and the result leads to arguments, debates, self-righteous pronouncements and spiteful humiliation. Gal 6:1-5 gives good advice. "Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such a one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself. But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. For every man shall bear his own burden." When I see a need in my mate I need to consider what process God wants to use in restoring that person. I must bathe that situation in prayer and approach it with deep humility in God's timing and with His wisdom. But I must also watch my own behavior because I'm not perfect and the next time it may be my turn to be corrected. Each party has faults that need to be overcome. Such is the state of humanity. 2. ACCEPTANCE: Accept my spouse as Christ has accepted me, idiosyncrasies and all. All of us need to be accepted for who we are and who we desire to be. If I desire to be accepted then I must give that acceptance to others. It does not mean that I approve of all of their behavior but I must accept them where they are with a view to co-operate with God in the process. Often we get mixed up on accepting people vs accepting their sinful behavior. Jesus exampled the correct way of responding to this problem. Do you remember the woman at the well in John 4? He accepted her as a person that needed something she could not attain on her own. She was living in adultery. Being thirsty for love and acceptance she tried to find it in relationships with the opposite sex but it was not to be found. It wasn't until she surrendered herself to Jesus that she found the acceptance and love that she had thirsted for for so long. Jesus saw in her what she could/would become when she received what He had to give. We in turn need to see what God sees in people. People, hungry and thirsty, trying to fulfill the need in a million fleshy ways and in the process making mistake after mistake until their lives lay in tatters all around them. God's response is as the song says, "He looked beyond my fault and saw my need." We need to do the same with compassion and respect. Jesus approached this lady with compassion and respect. He acknowledged her sin and spoke to her about it but He did not condemn her. Instead He told her of a better way... a way that would satisfy the longing in her heart. 3. ADJUSTMENT: The lifelong process of changing and being changed. The best way to see someone else change is to change yourself. One must forever give up the idea of changing their partner. Only God can change a person's heart and if the heart is not changed no real life changing experience has been accomplished. We may coerce a change of action for our own comfort but it will not last because it is a work of human effort. Marriage requires lots of adjustment. Most people do not like change. They'd rather stay with the status quo because it is more familiar. But we will never grow in God or have a happy, peaceful marriage, staying as we are. Change must inevitably happen. All to often we insist on the other person changing to our standards. We need to understand this. We cannot change anyone. We may coerce them into compliance but compliance is not change. Genuine change must come from within therefore it must come from/through God. Anything short of that will not produce good fruit. Since we cannot change others we must focus on changing ourselves under the dictates of the Spirit of God. As we allow God to change us, our unruly self will not adversely effect others. In the process they will have the freedom to change. When the focus is on the other person, change becomes impossible for both parties. God has given each of us a will and even He will not violate that will. He allows us to choose. The consequences of our choice are ours. That we can be assured of but the choice is still ours to make. If we try to force or coerce others into compliance we try to play a "god role" which is very unlike Almighty God but very much like the god of this world, Satan. 4. Last but certainly not least is APPRECIATION: this means to build up, to increase in value appreciate the similarities and differences we share. I used to chafe under my husbands perfectionistic ways until the Lord Jesus revealed to my heart the advantage of his perfection. He was a skilled machinist. Consequently he was a valuable employee and provided a good income for us. He took great pride in keeping his vehicles in top running order. Consequently I was never caught out on the road in a broken down vehicle (except for the time "I" forgot to put gas in the van). I've only had a flat tire once in my entire life even though I've driven thousands of miles and that wasn't my husband's fault. I had picked up a nail, probably in a customer's driveway. He always took pride in how he dressed. His clothes were not fifth avenue but he was always clean and neat. When he built our house he put the best workmanship possible into it. It seemed like it took forever but it was done right. I could go on but I think you get the picture. His perfectionistic ways produced many wonderful benefits. I just needed to learn to appreciate them. When I taught the Family Relationship's Class at our church I used to give my class of young married couples an assignment. They were to write all the things about their mate that were an aggravation to them on a piece of paper. Usually the pencils flew rapidly down the edge of the paper. Next they were to turn that paper over and write down all the things they appreciated about their mate. As a general rule there was lots of pencil tapping and puzzled frowns. Obviously, they hadn't yet learned the art of appreciation. It takes so little to observe and appreciate the good things people do but we live in a negative world and if we aren't careful we pick up negative ways of viewing people. Criticism then becomes our way of life rather than an attitude of appreciation and thankfulness. The idea of loving someone by these four A's will work for any relationship. But it will take deliberate action and determination. It will not be an "overnight success" story but it will change your marriage and change it for the better. Don't expect the other mate to start. Take the initiative yourself and watch the change happen. One caution. Have the right motive. If you change your way of relating just so the other person will change, nothing will happen. Your change must come from your heart just like you expect it to be a heart change for the other person. Anything less is only a work of the flesh. Willetta has spent most of her life ministering to people. In her late seventies, and a wheelchair now her mode of travel, she now ministers to people through the internet. Her webs are... www.teachmethyways.org www.successwithkids.org www.theseedsower.org Article Source: http://www.faithwriters.com |