After many years of marriage, most couples come to the point where they realize that ‘duking it out,’ so to speak, is not worth the energy and time it takes to go around and around and back again, only to find you haven’t gotten anywhere! Take my marriage for example, we still stand on our point and make our little remarks, but we don’t allow ourselves to continue in the progression of that way of dealing with our squabbles because we know that after we’ve said our peace, there’s not much more to say other than to simply agree to disagree. Of course there are those times when we can reach a mutual understanding, but if that doesn’t happen quickly, we’ve learned that it most likely won’t no matter how long we go around and around…..

Our marriage has seen countless ups and downs. BUT, ever since my husband became a born again believer, he doesn’t storm out of the house when he gets mad or upset with me, he doesn’t call me names, and he doesn’t use bad language and holler at me when he gets mad. Moreover, he doesn’t get mad nearly as often or nearly as much as he did before. Notwithstanding, I know my marriage can never reach the point of perfection, like I know no marriage can; it has certainly come a long way.

Between me and my husband, I have always noticed this underlying passive-aggressive tendency. It’s has always been there, but now that we don’t waste our time and energy yelling at each other, our non-verbal arguments have become like a saving grace; we can get our message across without having to have long drawn out, exhausting conversations that usually does not lead us to the point of any sort of amicable solution.

Now, when I don’t like something he’s doing, I just try to override it; to give him the subtle message that I don’t like it, in the hopes he will succumb to my way and forfeit his. The funny thing is, this tactic doesn’t always change things. I think his thoughts go like, ‘Well, if she isn’t going to say anything, she can’t be that upset, and if she’s not that upset I’m gonna continue doing what I want!’ However, even with this tactic failing, there is good that comes from out of it. We understand what one another wants in this silent, but somewhat powerful communication, that could cause us to think, or perhaps even make an appropriate change at some point, but either way it’s far more productive than yelling and screaming.

Married couples, if they are paying attention, can see things in one another that are important to them without saying a single word, just by noting their routines and preferences.

For example, my husband has this certain bath towel that he uses exclusively. His habit is to choose the path of least resistance. Therefore, in my logical deduction, I figured if the towel isn’t right on the top of the pile he’ll probably just use the one that is on top and I’ll be able to keep him from over-using that particular one (and I always make sure to rotate them). After all, using only one drastically increases the wearing out of that one and leaves the others in much better condition. Thus, using them more evenly seems the far smarter way to approach towel usage, at least to me. But, trying to bury his favorite towel has failed miserably. All he does is move the others out of the way and grab his favorite every time.

So, in light of the fact that my non-verbal communication isn’t working with the towels, I’ve decided to change my approach. Now I’m not trying to influence his towel choice and just secretly hoping that his favorite will in fact wear out, and then he’ll see how wrong he was and of course, how right I was! But of course that will probably never happen in exactly that way. It does make me laugh to myself though because we are so much happier now. God has been helping us grow and mature in patience and in our like-mindedness, and the fact that we no longer fuss and fight is proof of that fact, Hallelujah!

However, I do have one example of a non-verbal argument that was quite successful back when our kids were little. I got tired of arguing with my husband about his hijacking our kids' school snacks! This was due to the fact that years ago he was what they call a non-compliant diabetic. And, with our kids being in school and needing snacks for the lunch boxes, sometimes I would go to get them and the box would be empty or almost empty. I ended up hiding the Little Debbie boxes under our bed! This approach actually did help quite a bit, hence, non-verbal arguments can be beneficial in certain situations.

In conclusion, non-verbal squabbles may at least get the message across without going to blows. Being passive aggressive in marriage doesn’t have to be completely dysfunctional, it’s really more like a comical, somewhat helpful point to come to for those couples who have given up on screaming matches…….

That kind of fighting is strictly for young couples….. but OH, how they will learn!

Linzy is a certified Bible Counsellor, with countless republications on her viewers blogs, Bible Studies, Ezines and the like. Her portfolio includes, non-fiction articles, short stories for all ages, and Christian poetry.