Have you ever needed counselling? I did, for sexual abuse. I can’t say I found it very helpful, but one thing I did learn was this: It’s not uncommon for sexually abused women to wait until their marriage night before telling their fiance that they’ve experienced sexual abuse. My counsellor told me this was wrong and that if I was to marry, I should let my fiance know much sooner than that.

It surprised me that this was the case because many Christian couples receive premarital counselling before marrying. I’ve never been engaged myself, but it did leave me wondering what exactly gets discussed during premarital counselling if it doesn’t involve discussing subjects such as your past sexual history - being such a significant factor, how does that get forgotten about?

I don’t know if sexually abused men do the same, but not telling your fiance about your past sexual abuse is misrepresenting who you are, the kind of life your fiance will be living and the type of sexual relationship he or she will have with you. If they feel upset that you have withheld this kind of information from them until the wedding night, stealing their opportunity to think about whether they are strong and self-less enough to help you with your current problems, it shouldn’t be any wonder. 

Not telling your fiance about your past sexual abuse puts you at risk of ending up with a man or a woman who hasn’t got what it takes to help you or who just doesn’t want to help you. It puts you at risk of ending up with a man or a woman who demands that you be as sexually free as a man or a woman who has not experienced sexual assault. Why would you want that?

Anyone who has shared with others that they have experienced sexual assault knows that many people don’t have what it takes to support you. They either don’t believe the abuse happened, blame the abuse on you, believe you must have enjoyed the abuse or downplay how serious sexual abuse is and the effect that it has on its victims. Why would you want to go from having sex with a rapist to having sex with someone whose attitude is like that? It doesn’t sound like something I could endure.

Are you dating someone right now? Have you asked them about their sexual past? Have you specifically asked them if they have ever suffered sexual abuse? Take the initiative. Don’t let them wait until the wedding night to tell you. That being said, some people don’t experience rape and molestation until after they have wedded.

No one knows the future. So, enter marriage realising sex is a big expectation in it, but that circumstances can change. You might marry a sexually healthy person today to find out that, in the future, they need your patience and understanding now. So, become a person who believes abuse that can be proven, understands blaming victims doesn’t heal them, knows rape and molestation don’t feel fun and has serious, life-long effects on them, so that in the future, if your spouse suffers the heinous crime of molestation, you will have what it takes to help them and the desire to do so.

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