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Is Denial A Good Thing?

by James Barringer  
2/15/2010 / Christian Living

One of the most difficult things in life is figuring out how to react to reality.

Have you ever tried to give someone necessary constructive criticism about their personality, something really serious like "Hey man, you treat your wife like garbage" or "You're really prideful"? How did that go for you? Maybe, if you were dealing with someone who was very spiritually mature, they listened carefully to your words and agreed that you had a point. The more likely outcome is that they got defensive, combative, and tried hard to explain why you were wrong and their actions were completely justified. In short, you caught them in a state of denial.

Denial seems to be the most common way that people respond to problems, most likely because it's a whole lot easier than accepting the truth. The 12-Step Program for dealing with addictions begins, "Admit that you have a problem," because most addicts are in denial, insisting that they have things completely under control. The five stages of grief, which all of us go through when we experience a life-changing event like the death of a loved one, begin with denial. It's universal.

And it's a universal obstacle to progress, because people can't react to reality until they accept reality. You can't make peace with a life minus your loved one until you get past the denial stage of grief. You can't get over an addiction until you admit you have a problem. Even in other areas of life, we can't become more patient, loving, kind, gentle, forgiving, or whatever, until we quit the denial and admit that we have a problem in those areas.

That's why, from a Christian point of view, denial is almost always a bad thing, and that's the context in which it's usually addressed in churches. Paul prays in Ephesians 1 that the "eyes of your heart" would be opened, so that we can see things as they really are. Nabal, in 1 Samuel 25, is called a "worthless man" because he wouldn't let anybody question or criticize him. But I think we already know all about this kind of denial, so I'd like to move on to a different point, which is the fact that denial can be a very good thing.

"Denial" is not a stand-alone word, because you must be denying something. The full phrase is, "denial of the truth," which leads us to the question, "What is truth?" How do we know what is real and true?

For example, many people go through a time in their lives when they feel worthless, as if there is very little good or likable about them, as if they were a burden on their friends. Maybe we feel like the Christian life is too hard for us, like there's no way God could ever love us, like he has to be disappointed at the way we keep messing up. I don't have enough time here to list out all the doubts and fears that tug at our hearts, but I know mine and you know yours. It's crucially important to be in denial of those things. But this is a different kind of denial - it's not denial of the truth, but denial of lies.

Yet how can we possibly know the difference? The only thing that allows us to deny those things is that we can claim, in reality, that they are not truth. We understand, as Christians, that we are not operating in a vacuum. We have at our disposal a book that tells us everything about how much God values us, how much we mean to him, the incredible depths of his love and forgiveness, and the lengths to which he was willing to go in order to reconcile us to him long before we knew or cared that he was out there. We know that these things are truth.

Denial is a very good thing when it involves the denial of things that feel true, but which do not match up with objective and - if you'll excuse the wordplay - real reality. Our feelings are not reality, and sometimes they do not accurately reflect what truly is. You know what I mean; you have experienced it before. The ability to deny the lies that feel true is the essence of spiritual health. We can't rest in who God says we are until we know that those things are truth and anything else is a lie that must be denied.

This is why the hope of Christ is so essential. If a person has no relationship with God, no knowledge of God's truth about their identity, what can they do when they feel worthless? They only have two choices. First, they can accept their feelings, but you and I know that feelings are not reality and may not accurately reflect reality. If they accept their feelings, they're accepting a "reality" that is actually false, and living their lives from a flawed foundation. There is nothing to stop such a person from committing suicide if they believe the truth is that they are worthless and unlovable. The second choice is to reject those feelings, but for no good reason at all. They have no logical cause to believe that they are not stupid or ugly or worthless. They may be in denial of those feelings, but nothing in their life gives them the hope that those things may not be true.

Try going up to a non-Christian and (tactfully, of course) asking them how they know they have value. Probably they will talk about their skills, the things they have accomplished, or perhaps their beauty or their intelligence. Most non-Christians think about value in those terms, but this is flawed thinking. What would you say about a fetus, who has not accomplished anything and is not particularly pleasant to look at? What would you say about a mentally retarded quadriplegic? A non-Christian is at a loss to explain why those people have value if value is earned by accomplishments or skills. We as Christians know that we come with value already built into our lives, because we are creations of God and beloved by him. Without that knowledge, how do we have the ability to deny the doubts and lies that feel like truth? How can anybody live without knowing what is true and what is not?

We see the evidence of this all over the place, people who believe their value comes from their beauty, so they spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on cosmetic surgery, or else people who believe their value comes from their accomplishments, so they spend sixty hours a week at work while their family forgets what they look like. If you believe you have to earn your value, nothing can stop you from sacrificing everything in order to prove that you have value. If you believe that you already have it simply by virtue of being loved by God - a value that you could never earn even if you tried, and can never lose no matter how hard you try - then you can simply rest in that truth and deny everything that tries to tell you otherwise.

Denial is a bad thing and an obstacle to progress when it involves denying the truth, denying opportunities for progress, but it's a great, beautiful, and necessary thing when it involves denying thoughts and feelings that seem like the truth but really aren't. I hope that God is teaching you to see the difference, and that he is giving you the strength to stand on his truth and shut out everything else.

Jim Barringer is a 38-year-old writer, musician, and teacher. More of his work can be found at facebook.com/jmbarringer. This work may be reprinted for any purpose so long as this bio and statement of copyright is included.

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