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Quit the Charades!
by Leah Nichols
7/05/2010 / Dating
Walking into the church sanctuary, I scan for my prospects.
There's Robby. He's liked me for at least three months, but who's counting? I like him, as a person, but I don't LIKE-like him. A haircut would do him a world of good, and he's a bit too short for me - we're basically at eye level, and I'd prefer to gaze up into my husband's eyes. Yet he has a heart of gold, and he loves Jesus, so I'd say yes if he asks me out. Which he won't.
Yikes! Better move off to the right, as I can see Aaron on the left side of the room. He likes me a lot - probably a bit too much. I catch him staring at me constantly, and he will hang within a few feet of me when I'm talking to others. If he has a moment to butt in, he'll inevitably ask me personal questions and if that falls flat, at least where I'm going to hang out after church tonight. I've dropped subtle hints and not-so-subtle hints that I'm not interested to no avail.
There's John....my latest crush. He just joined the church a few months back, but he's followed Christ since the age of fifteen. He's got a sparkling personality, brilliant blue eyes, and a passion for kids, just like me. It seems as if he enjoys talking to me, and he's always asking me questions. But is it just to get to know me since we work together?
So plays out the game of charades, singles style.
I like Pete, but Pete doesn't like me. Andrew likes me a lot, but is too scared to ask me out. I drop hints left and right to Jeff, but he's clueless, even after I made him and his friends dinner at my house! Mike has no less than 34 girls believing that he might possibly like them.
It's all in the indirect cues. Like the game of charades, we show our meaning by the things we do, not by the things we say. It's like there's an unwritten rule in the singles' code of ethics - at least in church - requiring us to not really say what we're thinking and hoping. Rather, we try to send nonverbal signals, and perhaps even veiled verbal signals, to the opposite sex to communicate our feelings.
Body language is supposed to say it all. Leaning in toward the person, maintaining eye contact, laughing frequently at appropriate times, briefly touching an arm or shoulder, smiling like it's going out of style....all very important nonverbal cues.
Some verbal cues include asking questions about one's childhood and past, asking about personal interests and hobbies, checking on one's weekly schedule or even today's schedule....pretty much asking about anything beyond, "How's it going?" counts for a verbal cue.
I know what you're thinking, single women out there - "I know that stuff! I've got it down. I can cue like the best of them. But those boys don't make any sense at all!"
True, true. Let's face it, girls. Even if we know the entire drill, and it makes complete sense to us, guys have no pattern whatsoever. One guy gives the cues, but just wants to be friends. Another gives the cues to one girl (or so she thinks), but then asks another girl out. Yet another definitely gives the cues but won't take "no" for an answer! Still another gives the cues, but fears rejection, so he'll never ask.
Oh, and they don't seem to understand these cues coming from the girls, either. A girl gives the cues to a guy for two years straight, and he still bounces from relationship to relationship, asking other girls who don't really like him but want a date. Another girl can be cold as ice to a guy (read: no cues at all) and somehow he thinks she must like him. Still another girl just has to smile, and she's got three dates lined up in ten minutes!
It's not fair. It doesn't make sense. Why can't guys think like girls?
Yep. That's it! There's the reason for our game. Guys are not like girls. They are different, cause, well, God made 'em that way. They see a woman, and she's beautiful. They see another woman, and darn it, she's beautiful too! How could they possibly find that one special person in a sea of beautiful women? They need to take their time to talk to everyone; see if one gal stands out above the rest.
So, basically I'm saying that they aren't picking up on our cues at all. Well, maybe a little, but as you have probably experienced over and over, often they walk around quite clueless as to the cues flying in every direction. They have one goal in mind - either it concerns the task the Lord has called them to and they're oblivious to all of the women around them, or they are looking for the exactly perfect woman to be their wife.
What does this boil down to as far as meaning for single women? If guys aren't picking up the cues, should we even try to clue them in? If they have no clue what they're doing, do we ignore the cues they seem to be sending?
I believe the root issue centers around our control. Let's be real: women have a problem with control, and that includes control in our social life. We want to pick the perfect guy, but still have him ask us out in the traditional way. So we throw out charades left and right, trying to get him to understand that Hey, this one girl over here likes you a lot, so why don't you ask her out? But control is not the answer!
Trust is our remedy for control. Trust that God Himself knows exactly what we need, and He will lead the perfect guy into our path. Not perfect as in the flawless ideal we hold in our mind, but the perfect match for each one, personally. And yes, there will be chemistry, too!
It just might not happen in the way you might expect, nor in the way that you've dreamed up in your mind. It just might happen out of the blue, from a guy who didn't give you a single cue.
Just be real. And if you ask any guy in the world, the first thing he's gonna say is that he wants a girl that's genuine, real, not playing any games. So quit the charades! Be yourself, and don't worry about the details. God's got the best in mind, and His perfect love is no game at all.
Leah writes in her spare time....whenever it's available. She and her husband Ryan live in the greater Los Angeles area, where she works as a labor/delivery nurse, writing and playing the violin on the side. She also enjoys cooking, baking, walking, and reading blogs on the internet.
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