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My journey from confusion to identity wholeness

by S Mariah  
9/05/2010 / Testimonies

That will be my part 2 story, following by my past - I was sexually broken, identity confused child. Not sure who I was, ended up loving the same sex. Thought that I had gained some popularity, indeed I have lost my original identity as a female, so precious in God's sight. I did not know better...

Here my part 2 story, an amazing journey for me.

After much praying, years after years. After much 'condemnation' from the devil, telling me that God punished me for my past sin, that's why God would not send me a man to love. I had been believing the lies for quite some time, feeling so frustrated whenever I prayed to God for a man to love. That happened especially when I experienced such a 'heart' change process - from 'never expected' having a long hair to finally having a long hair. That moment was so refreshing, I saw myself the first time in the mirror, a 'beautiful' me.

A 'beautiful' me. Not just the physical appearance. But about the 'heart' has changed. I looked myself into the mirror than I'd ever done in the past. I hated myself, not really enjoying myself, I'd never thought that I would one day dare to look myself in the mirror. That's GOD.

I started to learn accepting myself as Jesus did.

Near the end of year 2009. I met my first boyfriend here in Sydney, Australia. And we started off beautifully, learning about one another's difference (men and women). That was totally a new thing to me, a new experience.

My prayer request has been granted and finally I realized that, the 'thing' I had been believing in, was a curse from the devil about my future!

I came back to Sydney for good 3 years ago, for the first two years, God has allowed things to happen on me, that made me grow more in Him, namely financial problem that causes me to totally relying on His provision. Look no others but unto Him.

God had been of course very faithful to my situation, He provided my every needs.

And once I learned to rely on Him, I also experienced more of His faithfulness in all things. Then He granted me a Godly man for the very first time in my life!! I no longer look at other ex-gay and thought, "oh how about me, God?" There were times I thought, "God, you showed favorite, am I not like one of them, why do you give them husband/wife while I have none."

Well, I proved to be very wrong!!

God granted me a minister.

I had learned so much from this one man. He's the very opposite of me in many ways, I can then learn of his good qualities, some of his nature does reflect much like God.

Most revealing thing to me personally is that, I know that I am totally female, I feel totally new inside out not just my physical appearance but my heart is transformed into what God has created me to be, that's the most exciting thing I can be sure of right now, when I was with my boyfriend...Hard to explain this feeling...like flying in the sky...never felt that before.....

I have been thankful and I always will.

Yet, God put an end to our relationship just very recently.

But I praise God for what He has given me, that wasn't a mistake. And I had learned so much from this one man. God has indeed put me in a safe place when I was with him.

Praise will still come out from my mouth. For I know my God is and has been very faithful to me, a sinner. But His grace, His mercy endure forever. AMEN.

S. Mariah - passionate about the sexually-broken.
Please visit http://Jesusloveslgbt.org for more articles on homosexuality.

My e-books, please visit:

https://www.amazon.com/She-confused-Wandering-wonderful-imagination-ebook/dp/B08HHLCHR3/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=The+âsheâ+confused&qid=1599

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