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Tackle Talk

by Kristi Peifer  
9/27/2011 / Skits and Plays

To be performed in reader's theatre style



CAST OF CHARACTERS

Offstage Announcer

Jim Bodeen

Phil Fisher




Offstage Announcer: Thank you for listening to KPEW. The program you are about to enjoy is brought to you courtesy of Manna in a Minute!

(Announcer reads commercial)

Do you find yourself wandering aimlessly around your kitchen? Do you want to make a healthy, filling meal for your family, but there's nothing in the cupboard but pickled okra and a jar of outdated marshmallow crme? If so, then you need Manna in a Minute! No more wasted time thinking up menus and shopping for a whole list of ingredientsall you need is a box of Manna in a Minute! Cooking it is a cinch, too! Just add water, and voila! Instant gourmet! Manna in a Minute is the quick, convenient way to get your daily bread.

(Opening theme music)

Jim: Hello, and welcome to Gridiron of God! I'm Jim Bodeen.

Phil: And I'm Phil Fisher. Well, Jim, we're back at Church of the Presumption, and it looks like the Rev. has started the game off with a bang!

Jim: Nope, that was just a praise team member knocking over a music stand.

Phil: Heh, heh, heh. So it is. It's a good thing vocalists don't need coordination to sing!

Jim: You've got that right, Phil. Looks like it's going to be an exciting morning. I'm expecting to see some great action out there in the pews!

Phil: The players are assembling as we speak.

Jim: Looks like we have our regulars. There's Lola Stevens jockeying for her customary position in the second pew on the left side. She's sittingshe's getting comfortable

Phil: Ohoh, it looks like Lola forgot her bulletin! She's up! She's making a mad dash down the center aisle!

Jim: But wait! What's this? A newcomer just came up the side aisleand is sitting in Lola's seat!

Phil: Here comes Lola. She's noticed the seat snatchershe's coming in for the sack

Jim: Denied! Interception by Ted Peters, the head usher!

Phil: Nice play there, Ted. That's why they put you in charge, buddy!

Jim: What's this in the foyer?

Phil: It's little Billy Collins! He's trying to find his mother. He's searchinghe's crowding in between the adultshe's

Jim: He's wiping snot on the pastor's wife's skirt!

Both: EWWWW.

Phil: I'd hate to have to do her dry cleaning!

Jim: That's for sure. Ah, Ethel Ratzenberger is taking her seat at the organ. It must be time for the service to start.

Phil: An interesting tidbit of information for you, JimEthel is a third-generation organist for the Church of the Presumption. Her mama played organ, her mama's mama played organ, and doggone it if she's going to let the tradition die.

Jim: Yes, indeed. Too bad she's always a couple bars ahead.

Phil: But you've got to admit, Jim, it does lend itself to a rather unique cacophony reverberating off the stained glass windows.

Jim: Speaking of reverberating, there's Richard Jones, making a joyful noise.

Phil: A loud, painful, joyful noise!

Jim: Looks like Janice O'Donnell has had enough. She's rolling her eyesshe's contemplating giving Richard a penalty.

Phil: And he's oblivious, singing at the top of his lungs. Ooh, that was a sour note.

Jim: That did it. She's tapping him on the shoulderhe's turning around

Phil: She's saying somethingit's faint, but I think I can make it outshe's saying, "God gave everyone a gift, but honey, singin' ain't yours."

Jim: Ouch! That hit below the hymnal!

Phil: You know that smarts!

Jim: Yup. And if Janice has any smarts, she'll choose another pew next week!

Phil: Speaking of next week, that's all the time we have for today. Join us next week for a peek at the pastor's playbook.

Jim: We'll be interviewing the Rev. about important church issues, like whether or not the praise team can use drums

Phil: And how to get around that pesky 'but-we've-always-done-it-this-way' committee!

Jim: Until next time, remember to buy Manna in a Minute, and you'll never want for your daily bread!

(Closing theme music)

Copyright Kristi Peifer, 2011.

I am a pastor's wife, the mother of two special needs children, a performer, and a lover of all things funny. My sincerest desires are to glorify Jesus Christ and to make someone laugh--preferably at the same time.

Visit me at www.neverkissatoaster.blogspot.com

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