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Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children The Way God Sets Boundaries With His Children

by Karla Downing  
9/09/2012 / Relationships

Christians aren't the only people who need boundaries--everyone does--but when setting boundaries, Christians want to feel assured that the choices they are making are pleasing to God and biblically based. Knowing how God sets boundaries with you as his child helps you know how to set boundaries with your adult children.

God knows that your heart is set on doing what is in the best interest of your child. Matthew 7:9-10 says, "Which of you, if his son (or daughter) asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?"The answer is, of course, nobody. When you love your children, you want to give them good things. The problem is figuring out what is really "good" and "not good" for them.

The ultimate parenting goal is to raise your children to be productive, capable, self-sustaining, and wise adults who love God. You do that by helping your children to be independent and competent adults by the way you deal with them.

"Discipline" comes from the Greek word paideuo which means to instruct, train, or correct. God corrects and instructs his children because he loves them and claims them as his sons and daughters (Hebrews 12:6).

God allows us to experience pain for our long-term good. "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons" (Hebrews 12:7). This means that you have to allow your children to go through difficult things rather than making everything easy for them. This generation of children is turning out to have an entitlement attitude due to the fact that they have been given too much and things have been too easy. Hard work is good for character. Waiting develops patience. Personal failure only comes when someone has tried. Personal success also only comes when one has risked failing and didn't. Your boundaries need to allow your child to experience hardship and struggles.

God does not condemn us. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"(Romans 8:1). This means that you don't respond to your son or daughter with anger, condemnation, judgment, harshness, or contempt. You can love the person and hate the sin. You can offer grace while allowing your child to experience the pain of bad choices and pleasure of good ones. You can love your child and still say no when it isn't right for you to help. You can continue to believe and hope for better things when your child is making choices you don't approve of and know aren't the best for him or her.

God doesn't enjoy seeing us suffer. "For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men" (Lamentations 3:33). No normal parent enjoys seeing his or her child suffer. Quite the contrary: the reason so many parents enable their children is because they cannot stand seeing their children suffer and because of their own pain, they rush to rescue and fix. God doesn't like seeing us suffer but he allows it, albeit reluctantly, because he knows it is in our long term best interest and he is more committed to our long-term good than his own short-term comfort.

God allows us to make choices and to suffer the consequences of our choices. "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life"(Galatians 6:7-8). The basis for all boundaries is that each of us has the right and the responsibility to make our own choices and reap the positive and negative results. If you refuse to interfere with this natural law, you will not only refrain from enabling the unhealthy choices of your child, but you will also improve the chances that there will be fewer unhealthy ones in the future.

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Next, if you need more practical tips and Biblical truths to help you change your relationships, get my FREE "15-Day Relationship Challenge" designed to give you back the power over your life.

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