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Can't Hurt

by Sally Hanan  
5/13/2007 / Marriage

I'm so good at self-control.
Thank-you Lord, that I'm so good.

Who's that man over there?
I can see him out of the corner of my eye.
Oh heck, I'll take a peek Oh boy!
Thank-you Lord for such an incredible creation.
That silky hair and,
oh my gosh, look at his bone structure.
He's looking my way.
Can't hurt to smile back.

I think I'll say hi,
say it's nice to meet him.

He's going to sign up for worship.

I think I will too.
Matt's always been bugging me to join.
Can't hurt.

Can't hurt to take his phone number.
If I could just bring him home
instead of only meeting up for worship practice;
we'd sit at the table in the kitchen.
He'd keep staring into my eyes
and smile at me, the way he does at church -
makes me feel like the most gorgeous woman in the world.

If I was married to him I'd walk on air every day.
We'd do everything together,
and he'd be such a great dad to my kids.

Oh yea,
they're not his.
No problem, he'd be great with them.

This isn't sin Lord,
I'm only thinking here;
my little fantasy world,
not hurting anyone.
I'm in complete control.
Matt's gone all day and night anyway.
My life is so dull,
so boring.

I think I'll call him.
Sitting here alone isn't good for me.
Can't hurt.
It's just a phone call.

Listening to his voice is making my heart pound.
He wants to spend some time with me.
It's only a walk in the park.
I need the exercise.
Can't hurt.

Now he reaches out to hold my hand.
He's just a good friend.
This tingle going up my arm is just me being silly.
We're just good friends.
I can tell him anything. He understands me.
Can't hurt.
I'm in control.

He's emailing me -
talking about his life,
his day,
what he likes in a woman.
I think he's talking about me.
My heart goes thumpity thump thump. I feel like a schoolgirl again.

All I can think about is him:
looking into his face.
Up close,
feeling his arms around me,
kissing him.
Matt was never like this.

How will I ever know what I've missed all these years unless I grab this chance, this gift to me ... God's gift.

I've started telling Matt I'm going out with girlfriends.
We go for coffee and walks.
We even go dancing -
all things Matt never did with me.
I feel so alive;
I've never felt love like this before.
I'm so happy,
and God wants me to be happy.
I was never meant to be with Matt at all.
I want to be with this man for the rest of my life,
lost in this rhapsody of love.
I'm in control of this. I have Matt at home and love in my arms. I just don't love Matt anymore. I don't know if I ever did.

What?? Matt knows??
Who told Matt??

I never thought my best friend would do such a thing.

I sit here alone.
I'm such a fool.
It's been Matt I really loved, all this time. That other guy used me.
Matt! Matt! I'm sorry. It went from one thing all of a sudden to another.
He seduced me.
It was all his fault.
He needed me, he made me feel special, you were gone, I couldn't help myself.

Yea, that's it. I couldn't help myself.

This whole thing is out of control, and it's all his fault.

(C) Sally Hanan
Sally is an Irish writer who now lives in the U.S. with her family. Her husband calls her beautiful, talented and brilliant. He is a marvellous truth-teller :D

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