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7 Myths That Can Destroy Your Marriage
by Pastor QT Nyathi
7/01/2013 / Marriage
Most of the popular things that most of us believed about marriage when we got married are not true. They are are myths-popular, ancient lies that have been passed on from generation to generation. These myths are propelled by fallacies. A fallacy is a wrong belief that is perpetuated by faulty thinking. Let's uncover these seven big lies before they wreack havoc on your marriage.
1) Marriage will make me happy.
Marriage in itself does not make you happy.
Your happiness does not depend on your spouse. Woe on you if your happiness in life depends on a human being.
Your happy moments will be miles apart; you will live a miserable life indeed. This is what it means if your happiness depends on your partner:
*If my partner catches a cold, I sneeze.
*If my partner is moody, I am also sour.
*If my partner has a bad day, I also have a bad day.
*If my partner is feeling low, I am also down.
That's silly don't you think? Since the best of us has his worst day, this is not a workable premise.
Your happiness depends on God, not your partner.
This mentality cripples a marriage as each party gets into the union with a passive and selfish mindset expecting to receive something from his or her partner.
Marriage is about giving, not receiving.
Marriage is about putting something in, not getting something out.
2) Children are the glue of marriage.
If children are the glue of marriage, then couples with children would not divorce.
Children don't solve marriage problems.
They only reveal and amplify them.
I have seen many childless couples having solid and happy marriages.
Because children donot complete the circle of marriage, they only add to it.
Also, marriage is permanent while parenting is temporary. You were married before the children arrived and you will stay married long after they are gone.
Commitment, not children is the glue of marriage.
3) Good sex makes a good marriage.
Actually, the opposite is true.
A good marriage is a good foundation for good sex. Sex in not just a uniting of bodies. It's the union of two minds, hearts, and bodies of two people who are emotionally attached to each other.
When the emotional aspect of a marriage improves, the physical aspect also improves.
That's the reason why a drunkard can pick a prostitute at night and have sizzling sex with her but chase her in the wee hours of the morning when he is sober.
At daybreak, he realises that he doesn't know this stranger; there is no emotional connection at all. While the sex might have been great, it cannot sustain the relationship in the long term.
Conversely, I'm told that some female prostitutes sometimes ask the male client, "Do you love me?" just before they sleep together.
She is fully aware that sex with a stranger is just a hollow and meaningless act.
A good marriage with good communication, honouring one's spouse, selfless giving, sacrifice, and commitment will result in good sex.
4) Marriage is a 50-50 compromise.
This myth causes people to get into marriage with a wishy-washy attitude and half-hearted commitment.
Marriage is not made up of two halves making one whole.
A godly marriage is made up of two whole people joined permanently by the Lord.
Half measures don't work in marriage.
For marriage to work, you have to put in 100%.
Anything less will not do.
Great marriages evolve when a couple gives unreservedly to each other in the context of a lifelong covenant. You give your all in order to reap all the fruits of a happy marriage.
The 50-50 concept may be great in a contract, but its nonsense in a covenant.
5) Divorce is a chance to make a fresh start.
Many couples wrongly believe that divorce is a good cop-out clause in the fine print of a marriage contract.
To begin with, marriage is a covenant not a contract.
There is no opt-out close in a covenant.
Research has shown that people who divorce actually increase their chances of divorcing again. They don't increase their chances of success, instead they increase their chances of failure.
They carry a lot of baggage from the previous relationship. If that luggage is not properly unpacked, it keeps on interfering with the current marriage.
Here are just a few dangers of divorce:
*Divorce brings serious emotional wounds on the couple involved.
*Divorce hurts the children in unimaginable ways.
*Divorce results is social diviants and misfits.
*Divorce is a mirage that promises much but delivers very little, if anything at all.
Delete the word divorce from your vocabulary as a couple. Make it a taboo word.
Be committed to conflict resolution in marriage no matter how hard it gets or how long it takes.
6) Marking and celebrating the big moments in marriage makes a good marriage.
*Never forget his or her birthday.
*Never forget your annivesary.
These are some of the popular lines that are recited when giving people tips on how to have a good marriage.
Unfortunately that is not enough if that's all you do. Celebrating birthdays and anniversaries big-time will only make you happy just twice a year.
Marriage is not a spectacular two-day event, it's a daily life-long process.
*It's not enough to buy her a car on her birthday but ignore her for the rest of the year.
*It's not enough to go on holiday at a popular resort, but fail to meet the daily financial needs at home.
*It's not enough to celebrate your spouse during the annivesary, but tolerate him for 364 days.
Marriage only works when two committed people constantly invest into it everyday, every hour, every minute, and every second.
7) The myth of greener pastures.
This very deceptive myth makes one to believe that my neighbours garden is greener than mine, therefore I have to jump the fence and enjoy his lush green grass.
*This myth maximizes your partner's weaknesses while minimizing his strengths. Other men or women seem better than your spouse.
*This myth births affairs as you look for whatever is lacking in your spouse from other men or women. Tragically it makes you leave the wonderful 80% that you have in your marriage and reach out for the elusive 20% that you think is out there.
*This myth causes you not to focus on your own marriage but instead keep envying other people's marriages. Of course once you don't invest into your own marriage, it will eventually collapse.
If you just take time to tend your own garden and water it regularly, your own grass will soon be green. There will be no need for you to keep peeping over your neighbour's fence.
Since belief determines behaviour, all these wrong beliefs inevitably lead to wrong behaviour. Wrong behaviour in turn produces wrong results. Remove these cancerous mindsets from your marriage and you will have a healthy marriage.
Pastor QT is a published author, copywriter and speaker. His sincerity, wit and candid style have endeared him to many hearts. His book DELIVERANCE UNPACKED has been warmly received globally. He conducts spicy marriage and singles seminars with his feisty wife Bonani.
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