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DISCUSSING DIVORCE

by Jeffrey Hagan  
9/18/2014 / Christian Living

by Rev. Jeff Hagan, DCE, (ThD), DMin

Mark 10:2-12
"And Pharisees came up and in order to test him asked, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?' He answered them, 'What did Moses command you?' They said, 'Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away.' And Jesus said to them, 'Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. But from the beginning of creation, 'God made them male and female.' 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two but one flesh.What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." And in the house the disciples asked him again about this matter. And he said to them, 'Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery'" (ESV).

Introduction:
When you discuss a topic like this the first thing one needs to do is spend a lot of time in prayer. This topic requires a bit more prayer and preparation than many others because the subject of divorce is an all too painful reality that has most likely touched the lives of every single person reading this in some way, shape, or form. Not only is this a painful issue it's a very sensitive issue as well. There are many differing opinions regarding what exactly Scripture says and means in relation to divorce. When addressing divorce it is wise to do so using a careful balance of biblical truth and compassion. I ask you to consider all of the evidence before reaching any conclusions. It's very easy to make dogmatic claims about the words in Scripture without capturing the heart, context, and culture that those words were written in.

So, we have a group of Pharisees that approach Jesus in order to trick him. They wanted to trap him and catch him making mistakes in his teaching. They didn't really care about the answer he was going to give, they just wanted to bust him. They asked him what seemed to be a fairly basic question: "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife, for any and every reason?" And simply by asking this, they put Jesus between a rock and a hard place, so to speak. As a side note, I can relate to this. I am not comparing myself to Jesus by any stretch of the imagination, but I have had people try and trap me in theological discussions and in apologetic debates who have no intention of listening to what I have to say and every intention of trying to trip me up and get me to make a mistake.

Now, on the one hand we had Herod. This is a completely different Herod than the one who tried to kill Jesus when he was born. What is important for us to know in regards to this Herod is that he had married his own sister-in-law, her name was Herodias. Even back at this time, being married to your brother's wife, while he was still alive, was absolutely forbidden by Mosaic law. In fact, you probably remember that John the Baptist went face-to-face with Herod and told him he was committing a horrible sin. And do you remember what Herod did? Herod had John the Baptists head chopped off and brought in for proof. Herod didn't care what God thought about his adultery. So, if Jesus straight up denounced divorce, he risked pissing of Herod and having him do who knows what.

On the other hand, if Jesus said that divorce was okay, he would lose ground as a respected moral teacher. A difficult and dividing topic indeed. And it still is today. Even inside the church discussion regarding divorce has been going on for centuries.

History:
In Deuteronomy 24:1 of God's law we see these words: "When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house..." (ESV). What in the world was this verse referring to?

Well, in the time before Moses a woman who was divorced had absolutely no rights whatsoever. A certificate of divorce gave the woman at least some kind of standing within the law, and (THIS IS A KEY POINT) the right to remarry.

By the time of Jesus the debate was not about whether or not women should have the same right. The debate had become focused on the meaning of the words "indecency" or in some translations "displease" or "finds no favor." There were basically two schools of thought.

The school of Shammai was very strict, and believed that "indecency" meant adultery and nothing else. The school of Hillel focused on another portion of the verse "finds no favor in his eyes," or, "becomes displeasing to him," and believed that a man could divorce his wife if he discovered anything about her he didn't like anything at all. It probably doesn't need to be said, but taking into account human nature and pride (especially the pride men have) most people gladly held on to the Hillel school of thought.

By Jesus' time, divorce had become common practice, and women again had virtually no rights in divorce. It wasn't a "no fault" divorce as can be filed today, it was always a "woman's fault" divorce. There were only three exceptions, three reasons where a woman was allowed to divorce her husband: if he were a leper, a criminal, or if he held one of two "bottom of the barrel" jobs a tanner or one who picks up piles of dog excrement (which was used in copper smelting). It was a pretty good deal for men. Just keep the law, don't get leprosy, and don't be a tanner or pick up doggy-doo and your wife must stay with you. However, Jesus was not satisfied with such a simplistic, misogynistic solution.

Marriage at Creation:
Instead of tackling the grounds for, and details of, divorce, Jesus spoke about the meaning of marriage. In Matthew 19:4-6,we read Jesus reply, "He answered, 'Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate'" (ESV). Most likely you have heard this verse during the performance of a wedding.

"Imagine a piece of plywood. When they want to make a piece of plywood, they take two pieces of wood, each of which is relatively weak on it's own, and with a thin layer of glue bond them together into one unit, warp against woof [sic]. They both retain their individual characteristics, but together they make something new. Now, have you ever tried to take a piece of plywood apart? You can do it, but you can't do it without tearing, and harming both of the original pieces" (Wildrick, Jeffrey. "Dealing With Divorce," online article).

Jesus is teaching that marriage, as God originally created it to be, is a permanent bond and God is the glue that should hold that marriage together. The intention of marriage is to be an organic union of body, mind, and spirit. "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."

The main point Jesus was bringing to surface here was that in order for there to be a proper discussion of divorce it had to be founded on a proper understanding of marriage.

Divorce:
This left them with a question. If that's the way God designed marriage to be since the creation of mankind, then why did Moses allow divorce in Deuteronomy 24? After all, this IS the Bible, this IS God's law.

Jesus knew what they were thinking. He anticipated their question and replied: "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning."

"Hardhearts." This term was used frequently to describe the people of Israel when they would turn their backs on God when they became shortsighted, stubborn, argumentative, sinful. Do you know anyone in a marriage like that? Are you in a marriage like that? Were you in a marriage like that?

If faithfulness and life-long commitment is God's intention for marriage, then divorce would be God's very reluctant allowance for the hard heartedness and sinful nature of human beings. But because Jesus knows the sinful nature of the human heart, since he knows we are always going to try and find some kind of loophole when it comes to our own personal sin, he wants to emphasize again that this allowance is NOT part of God's original design. Jesus continues on saying, "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." Let's go further into the wider context of this statement.

A bit earlier in Matthew Jesus addressed a lot of difficult issues in his Sermon on the Mount. He talked about anger, stating that anyone who harbors anger is virtually guilty of committing murder in their heart. And the penalty for murder was death.

He also discussed lust, making the point that if a man even looks at a woman with lust he is guilty of adultery, he has committed adultery in his heart. And the penalty for adultery was death.

With this in mind, let me ask a question. How many of you reading this have never committed both of these sins? Let me answer for you, Nobody. We have all committed both of these to one degree or another. But Jesus wasn't suggesting that we start hanging people on every street corner. His point wasn't for us to set up stoning stations throughout the land so when these sins are committed we stone people to death.

Jesus point was to uphold God's high standards of love and purity standards of which every single one of us falls short. His point in divorce is the same. It is never God's will, as it is always the result of people falling short of God's perfect standard for marriage.

And divorce is definitely not a means for men, or women for that matter, to see if the grass is greener on the other side. There's NO WAY divorce is any kind of a license for leaving one marriage because you've met someone else you have stronger "feelings" for someone you mistakenly fantasize will live up to the standards you feel your current spouse didn't. Somebody considering divorce in order to marry someone else is guilty of adultery and there's no way around it.

Preparing for this article I came across an interesting study. It was a survey of those who had been seriously considering divorce:

" - Five years after the study began, some of the people had divorced and some had done hard work in order to stay together.

- Five years after that, those who had done hard work and stayed together rated their lives as happier than those who had looked at divorce as a way out.

- Five years after that, couples who stayed together are typically happier than those who divorced.

- Getting a little more specific, the large majority of those who rated their lives as unhappy before divorce, still rated themselves unhappy after their divorce, five years later.

- On the other hand, among those who rated their lives and marriages unhappy but who stayed married, two thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later.

- In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later" (Wildrick, Jeffrey).

Practical Aspects:
If you are reading this and you are having difficulties in your marriage, do all you can on your part to reconcile the relationship. That may be different things for different people, but at the least it should include: spiritual counseling, Christian marriage/relationship counseling, prayer, and reading Scripture.

Nevertheless, God in his incredible mercy, has made provision for our hardhearted and sinful nature. Provision for marriages that may not only fall short of God's perfect ideal but miss it altogether. Jesus provides one particular example, and that example is adultery. Unfaithfulness in marriage absolutely tears the fabric of the relationship.

I think the same is true for some other imperfect situations. In marriages where there is nothing left but fighting and seething anger, where the pain of being together results in nothing but bitterness in one's heart (or "murder" as Jesus stated in the Sermon on the Mount), divorce just may be the lesser of two evils. Otherwise "murder" is being committed daily in one's heart.

In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul instructs Christians that are married to unbelievers to try and stay married, but also suggests they might ultimately find it best to separate instead of staying absolutely miserable and unequally yoked. BUT, only when you've done all that you can to bring about healing and restoration in the relationship.

Also, I think it should be clear to anyone that it is not God's will for a person to stay in an abusive marriage, as that is no real marriage a tall. I'm going to state this again because I think it needs to be repeated: If you are in a marriage and are being abused, it is NOT God's will for you to stay and play the role of a punching bag or doormat. That is a complete violation of the very essence of what God created marriage to be.

Let me add this, if you are divorced, pay attention now, if you are divorced God loves you and desires to heal you. Don't allow others to treat you as second class citizens of God's kingdom because you are divorced. I say this as one who is divorced.

How does God feel when a marriage ends in divorce? He hates it. However, he hates all of the ways in which we all fail to live up to his perfect design and plan for creation. It should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway, divorce should always be the last resort. Divorce is never good, but sometimes in our sinful world it's the best that two people can do.

Our God is full of grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Whatever your past might consist of, we are seen as righteous and pure by God when he views us through the lens of Christ's blood. When God regenerated our heart our sins were done away with.

Psalm 147:3-4, "He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. He counts the stars and calls them all by name" (NLT).

With these things in mind, I believe there are times when human weakness has led to failure in one marriage and in God's grace he has provided a second chance which has worked out. Getting re-married though must always be done only after careful, contemplative, deliberate thought, prayerful reflection, and of course repentance.

The rate of divorce among second marriages is close to double that of first marriages. I think this is primarily because people do not have a high enough view of marriage, too many people divorce far too easily. When this happens, when people divorce too easily, they just bring the same sin that ruined their first marriage into their second, third, etc.

Conclusion:
I know this is a very personal and difficult teaching and topic. And, I know there is no way I have done it justice with just these few words. I've only just scratched the surface of what can be said on this issue.

At the very least, the topic of divorce should challenge those of us inthe church to devote more attention and energy on the positive need to build and maintain strong marriages, AND to give compassionate care and counsel to those who may be having difficulty in their marriages, or who have already gone through divorce.

I think the best solution to the problem of divorce is attempting to prevent divorce.

Jeff Hagan is the President of True Grace Ministries and Theological Institute. Interested? www.preacherjeff45.wlxsite.com/truegracetheolgical

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