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The fear of loneliness

by Adeola Akintoye  
1/05/2015 / Christian Living

God places the lonely in families Psalm 68:6

It is possible to have many friends, be in a relationship or marriage but still feel lonely. You can be the life of the party but still battle with the feeling of emptiness and loneliness inside, which no amount of external activity can fill. Lonely people often feel empty or hollow inside (Berger).
The fear of loneliness or being alone is known by different names: isolophobia, monophobia or autophobia. Loneliness is a feeling of being alone. This could be accompanied by a sense of isolation or solitude. This state could lead to a negative feeling of depression. It could likewise be a state that is deliberately set aside for positive reasons, such as wanting to be alone for reflection or for solitude. When someone makes a conscious decision to be alone for a period of time, it could lead to a refreshing period because it is under one's control. You can be alone without feeling lonely. However, when you start dreading being alone and start going to extremes to be with people at all time, it leads to a negative emotional state.
When there is fear of being alone, the tendency to become overly dependent on other people could result in a sense of insecurity and depression. 'The fear of being alone impacts a person's quality of life'4. It could lead to health problems and addictions, resulting in a negative impact on relationships. The fear of being alone or feeling lonely leads you to take decisions that might lead to hurt, pain and unhappiness. Loneliness could lead people to seek destructive relations, become obsessive, or at the extreme commit suicide.
There has been a lot of clinical research on the cause of loneliness. Some reasons put forward include experience of neglect, low self-confidence or a response to a specific situation or event, such as the death of a loved one. Whatever the reason, this fear is a state of mind and our mind is under our control. It is a fear that must and can be overcome.

Fear of being without a life partner
When we fear being alone, we attempt to control people and our relationships. In some cases it could become an obsession. We find it difficult to let go of often destructive relationships. The fear of being alone in my old age used to be one of my fears in life. This led me to seek relationships that were not necessarily the best for me. The reason I stayed in these relationships was the fear of being alone, not having a companion and not having that feeling of 'twoness'. Looking back now, it was the wrong reason to go into any relationship. Yes, a relationship brings you that companionship but it should not define your relationship to the point where you are staying in an unhealthy situation because you do not want to be alone.
I grew up in a culture where women are expected to get married as soon as possible after their higher education, and start bearing children who are expected to look after them in their old age. In fact, if you finished school and had no fianc in tow, people would start asking you about it. The longer you left it, the more concerned your family would be and it would become a matter to be prayed about. Many young women do get married immediately after their education but many still wait for years. There is a high level of divorce in society. A person who was part of a team but is now solo takes time to adjust.
My marriage was very short-lived - barely four years. However, it was long enough to feel part of a team already. When it ended, life became a lonely place despite having to raise my baby daughter. We never really had lots of friends, so those that were his friends followed him. I got involved in an old relationship immediately afterwards without giving myself some room to breathe. Of course it did not work. Yet, I did not learn from that, and again without time to breathe went into another relationship. If I were my own psychologist, I would say I had a bad case of not wanting to be alone, looking for a sense of belonging in a relationship. It has taken me nearly twenty years since my marriage to realize that it is okay not to be in any man-woman relationship and still be filled with joy and a sense of fulfillment. A man or woman is not the source of my joy and fulfillment, but God Almighty. There might be physical pleasure for someone who is still in the world and living according to the dictates of the flesh, but a child of God lives by the spirit, not the flesh.

You feel the need to belong
The world operates on relationships; human beings are social in nature. In most cases, we derive satisfaction when we relate with other people in a loving and happy way. Most of us want to belong in a family, in a group, in a relationship. Generally, we find time spent with family and friends rewarding. Even when we do not get along with our families, there is still the knowledge of 'being part of' that makes us feel that sense of belonging. Most families live thousands of miles from one another, yet we still feel the sense of belonging. In this digital age, we have various social media platforms that can connect us visually or audibly within seconds.
We form relationships with people with whom we share the same interests. We join groups with which we share common interests or the same goals. There is a sense of security and fellowship that being a member of a group brings. We have friendships that have spanned decades, enriching and happy relationships with people we have known for a long time or those that we just met but with whom we have developed a close and loving relationship. To avoid being alone or lonely, we seek the company of friends, families, church members or group members and even share our homes with people.

People cannot get rid of your loneliness
There is no denying that relationships are wonderful. We were created to be in relationships; in a family, community or group. A person, who lives in isolation, whether voluntarily or not, would find social interaction very difficult; periods of extended isolation could lead to mental problems and even early death. We need to interact with other people; it enriches our lives, helps us to grow emotionally, psychologically, mentally and socially. However, our joy and the essence of our lives are not dependent on other people.
In his article Phobia - Slaying the three dragons, Phil Nuernberger, said that 'As rewarding as family and friends are, they do not keep us from being lonely; they only distract us from our loneliness. In fact, the more we depend on our loved ones to keep us from being lonely, the lonelier we become'5.
You could be an extrovert who has lots of friends, you could also be the leader of many social groups, but this might not be enough to get rid of your feeling of loneliness. When you are with the group, you are not alone physically but you could still feel lonely.
If your fear of loneliness has to do with physical presence, this can easily be addressed by sharing your life or home with other people and keeping yourself occupied with activities to the point of exhaustion each day. I am someone who is a natural introvert. I get my energy through Jesus and spending time alone. But after a period of quiet time, I want to be in the company of people, especially family and close friends, to catch up and also just spend time together. Wanting to spend time with people is natural; in fact we would be unnatural if we did not want to spend time with other people at all!
Enjoying the physical presence of other people might not eliminate the feeling of loneliness. Inability to communicate your inner thoughts or share your feelings verbally with other people could make you feel lonely. You might be in the midst of people, but you just don't connect in any satisfying way. It does not matter whether you are in a relationship, in a group or have people around you all the time, you still feel disconnected from those around you. The feeling of non-acceptance and exclusion within a group can exacerbate the fear of loneliness.

You are not alone
The affirmation we get from relationships is temporary; people have their own lives to live. Each one of us was born as an individual and we will die as an individual. Our individualism is to be embraced positively. Being alone should not bring out fear in us; although we are alone physically we are never alone. God has promised never to leave us nor forsake us (Hebrew 13:5 ESV).
If you are experiencing the fear of loneliness because you do not have a life partner, remember that God did not want man to be alone, therefore He made 'a helper suitable' for him. God promised us the desires of our heart according to His will. God's will is for a man and woman to be joined together as one and to 'be fruitful and multiply.' You might think it's getting late because of your age, but God is never late and His time is always the best for our life. Don't spend your time brooding about being alone, keep yourself occupied with God-focused Kingdom work, get relevant skills that are useful for your career and spend your free time with God. I believe that your life partner, the one whom God has ordained for you, is being prepared and being molded into the godly man or woman that you desire and deserve; at the right time your paths will cross and you will not remember the period of loneliness and all glory will be given to Almighty God.
If you have lost a life partner, remember you are not alone. I know it sounds too simple; when you are coming from a place of having a life partner and you are now all alone, and have to do things you used to do together all on your own. Maybe your children have all grown up and left home, or maybe they are still young and you are now a single parent, God promised to 'cause the widows' hearts to sing for joy. I believe that this period also brings opportunities for self-discovery and new things. You can spend time to do things for and by yourself that would give you joy and satisfaction. Fear not for your Maker is your husband, the LORD of Hosts is his name (Isaiah 54:4, 5). You are never alone because He is always there beside you. God is the father to the fatherless and the protector of widows. Keep busy and trust in God. If you desire to remarry, God will bring the right person into your life. King David encouraged us that "God places the lonely in families," (Psalm 68:6).
Wherever we are, we are never alone. God is with us, in us and around us. We are not forgotten, God knows our name and He knows what we are going through, He feels our pain. This knowledge and understanding gives me a sense of peace and comfort when I am alone. Having time alone gives you more quiet time with God. We live busy lives full of activities and many people crave to have some time alone. It's not so much having that time alone but what we spend the time doing. Being alone is not all bad; we get to spend time with God in His Word, especially knowing that He is with us. Jesus often spent time alone in prayer; which contributed to the success of his earthly ministry. A prayer-less Christian is a powerless Christian.

God is the source of joy
There are times we want the physical presence of other people around us, but we should not let our joy be dependent on having people around. God is the source of our joy; His desire is for us to have an abundant and fulfilling life. We have a short time in this world; our goal should be to maximize our time here in this world. Your goals and priorities in life will determine how you spend your time and what thoughts occupy your mind most of the time. As Christ followers, our priorities should be heaven-focused, our minds should be filled with eternity and our time occupied with activities that will enable us to achieve our goals. A God-focused person is led and directed in the way he or she should go. God will guide you in the way to go and what to do. When the feeling of loneliness wants to overwhelm you, fight it with the weapons of warfare.
Our human need for affirmation and acceptance sometimes makes us crave attention and friendships. We want to be listened to and heard. We want to be acknowledged and made to feel relevant. When we are ignored, we feel isolated and lonely. But there is someone who will never ignore us, the One who listens and hears us at all times because He is closer than a friend; the One who loves us so much and asks us to cast our burdens upon Him so that He can carry them for us. No human friend can do what Jesus Christ did for us; He died to pay for our sin and make us right with God. Friends will desert us, they are not able to see into our hearts and know our deep desires. Only God can do this and by being connected to Him through Jesus Christ, we are affirmed and accepted as the unique, beautiful, wonderful people that He has created us to be. Do not seek your identity in people or friendships, but in Him who is the Almighty God, the Creator of the heaven and earth and everything in it.
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes; I will help you" (Isaiah 41:10 NKJV).
 
Fear of loneliness confessions

I know the LORD is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. Psalm 16:8.

I am strong and courageous; my God is with me and will never leave me nor forsake me. Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:5.

Your peace is with me. I will not let my heart be troubled. John 14:27.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I am not afraid because you are with me, your rod and staff comforts me. Psalm 23:4.

God is my refuge and my strength. Psalm 46:1.

Practical tips

Do you have an area of interest? Develop your knowledge in it.

Acquire a skill; if you are able, take short courses to acquire new skills and keep you busy.

Become a reader; reading takes your mind off things and expands your knowledge base.

Do voluntary work in your community if you have some free time.

Activate the power in the Word of God over your life and declare it daily.

Adeola is a published author, mentor and coach, is passionate about empowering people to fulfill their life's purpose. She is the founder www.we-can-leadershipinstitute.com to impart leadership skills and www.we-can-foundation.org; supporting missions. She writes regularly @www.adeolaakintoye.com

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