The past couple of months, I have been playing keyboard at our new church. We moved to a new city and state three months ago and the church we were invited to didn't have a keyboard player. Although I was still "wet behind the ears" I volunteered to play. I tend to let my excitement over something override my rational thinking. I failed to consider I've only been playing songs a little over a year, and exclusively in the privacy of my home-by myself.
I practiced with the group for about a month, trying to sync up with the other band members. Then I began playing on Sunday mornings-and that's where the trouble started. By the second week I was overcome with anxiety. All that went through my mind, while playing on stage, was get through this song set and no more! On more than one occasion, I told my husband, "I can't do this. I want to quit. The fear is too great." Each week seemed to bring more and more fears and anxiety. The moment the service started, the nervousness came like waves over me. I had to grit my teeth and bear through each song service, only finding relief when I was seated in my seat−off the stage!
So here I am crying (literally) to God on how I can't do this anymore and it's too hard. How I need His helpBut giving up was not easy. Actually, it wasn't really an option. Now fast forward a year prior. I was just beginning to get a grasp on putting chords together to play smoothly-nowhere ready to play outside the home; and the Lord shows me a vision, a quick internal image, of myself playing keyboard in a church. At the time, we had no intentions on moving, nor did the current church we were attending need any extra keyboard players. It didn't make sense then, but in time it all unfolded. During my struggle, a year later, the Lord reminded of what He showed me previously, and that I was in the center of His will-despite how I was feeling.
I was reminded of how we are given "cups to drink," if you will. Plans that God has for our lives that don't always line up with ours. Ones that definitely don't come easy. Mountains that seem too big to climb. Trials that feel too heavy to bear.
These places have a way of bringing us to a fork in the road. Will we take the road that requires complete surrender and reliance on Him? Or the road leading to our will and self-sufficiency? We wrongly believe being in control is the easiest path to take, and controlling our destiny will bring all the ducks, in our life, in a row. However, it's the weightiest most worrisome route we could ever take.
I was brought to a place of surrender. My prayer went something like this, Lord I can't do it on my own. I surrender. I surrender wanting to do things MY way. I drink the cup You have given me because obedience is more important to me than having my own way. This sounds like an oxymoron, but I found freedom in submitting. So much FREEDOM in submitting to the One who really is in control!
It reminds me of the scripture in Romans 6:20, "When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness." Similarly, when I was a slave to fear, I was free from peace. It took becoming a slave to God's will, God's control, to be free from the fear that plagued me.
Submitting ourselves to God brings the greatest freedom to our lives!
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