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STOP TRYING TO BE GOOD

by Jeffrey Hagan
3/31/2020 / Christian Living

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Introduction

Right at the start I want to let you know I am going to be making a confession. Before I get to it, let me provide a basic idea of where I'm going with this.

I'm assuming I got your attention. When you say you are going to make a confession it causes others to perk up their ears. Let me pose a question if I may: Are you getting a lot better then you use to be? Or, to state it another way, with all of the teaching and preaching you have listened to over the years in regards to obedience, sanctification, and holy living, how is that working out in your life? Most of us at the start of our faith journey go through a honeymoon phase and when that happens we notice some big changes for the better – but after that, did you get significantly better?

Even if your are basically a good, law abiding citizen, involved in your church, don't commit those “major” sins we all know about (at least not in front of anyone), and put much effort in to being good, if you are painfully honest with yourself you must admit that you really aren't getting much better. Most likely you often feel convicted and when your preacher touches on an area that strikes a chord with you I imagine you cringe inside. I don't doubt you have a strong desire to get better. I'm sure you actually do want to love your spouse and children more, have more compassion for people, be nicer and gentler, be more dedicated to Christ, more bold in sharing the gospel, give more to help support your church and other ministries, etc. But baggage comes with all of this as well.

Pointing the Finger

I've got a sneaky suspicion that most of us, actually I'd bet all of us, have been reprimanded, preached “at,” judged, corrected, and maybe even disciplined by people who were committing the exact same sins and actions that caught grasp of us. But what these types are doing in their attempt to make us feel guilty is simply trying to deflect. They want to make sure the spotlight is off of them and pointed elsewhere. They are trying to divert any focus on themselves.

Unfortunately, there are many people out there whose method of operation is manipulating others. And some are quite good at it. They know that in reality most of us are not really getting much better, and it's an easy crossover from having that information and using that information to manipulate. Self-righteousness and the power it can cause one to feel can become quite addictive and easily gained by making accusations against others. Trust me, I know about this. I went through a stage where I did a bit of this myself. Not so much for any kind of power, but certainly in an attempt to try and make myself appear “better” on the outside than I am on the inside. I also served for six years as an Associate Pastor under a Senior Pastor who displayed power and manipulation on a regular basis.

Steve Brown makes an excellent point in his book A Scandalous Freedom:

“When Paul talks bout the abolition of the law in the book of Romans, he

gives us a powerful way to get better, because he knew that getting better

wasn't the point. Our relationship with God is the point, and that is a place

where we ought to be obsessive. When I am obsessed with being better

instead of being consumed with God's love and grace, I become prideful

if I can pull it off and self-centered if I can't.”(1)

The biggest reason we don't get better is our very obsession of not getting better. There is a more sure fire way of getting better then simply trying harder. Sanctification starts to become real in sincere believers who don't obsess about their own sanctification. We aren't going to see any kind of holiness in us until we care more about Jesus than about being holy.

The Trouble with Trying

Let me share the confession I mentioned at the beginning of this article: I'm about as good as I'm ever going to get. I know we have all been taught from the starting point of our conversion that we Christians are supposed to “get better and better every day and in every way.” Remember that sad cliché? But let me tell you, I've been trying for many years now and it just doesn't seem to be happening.

When I was finally honest with myself and came to the understanding that I wasn't going to get much better, at first I thought it was going to be followed up with some kind of depression. After all, everyone had been telling me for years I needed to get better. Some people out there even said if I kept trying I could reach a point where I could have no known sin in my life. That did seem a stretch though, as passages such as 1 John 1:8 would always jump to my mind immediately, “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (ESV). But that's what some believe, and that's what some said.

Let me make a quick prediction. I predict that many of you who are reading this are right about now thinking to yourselves all of the things I need to be doing: studying and meditating on God's Word more frequently, pray more, and be in some kind of group where there is accountability.

Just so you are aware, I'm involved in all of those things. Not only do I read Scripture I teach it and write about it. I pray. I have those I am accountable to. I didn't just dive into this stuff yesterday. However, I'm still not going to get much better than I am now.

But I digress. As I was saying, I thought some kind of depression would hit when I came to the conclusion to let the cat out of the bag and tell people I wasn't going to get much better, but that depression over it never came. No one deserted me. My family didn't disown me. My friends didn't turn their backs on me. Churches didn't dismiss me or kick me out. But the best thing I learned was God loves me anyway.

Let me be clear, few things will crush you and steal your freedom in Christ more than your own attempt to get better – or perhaps I should say get better in the wrong way. C.S. Lewis wrote about this:

“Either we give up trying to be good, or else we become very unhappy

indeed. For, make no mistake: If you are really going to try to meet

all of the demands made on the natural self, it will not have enough

left over to live on...your natural self, which is thus being starved and

hampered and worried at every turn, will get angrier. In the end, you

will either give up trying to be good, or else become one of those people

who, as they say, 'live for others' but always in a discontented, grumbling

way – always making a martyr of yourself.”(2)

It's true that admitting I'm not really going to get much better hasn't brought smiles to the faces of some, primarily the “holier than thou” types, but I am so much easier to get along with. I have even gained friends that I wouldn't have had before because I would have felt I couldn't associate with them if I'm trying to get better. After all they may have found out the truth I was trying so hard to hide.

All of this may sound like I don't care about God's law if you don't read it and interpret it correctly. It may seem to you like I don't care about His will for my life or about obedience and sanctification, but hold on for a moment I have more to say.

God's Law

When you start to truly understand grace and the freedom we have in Christ you will undoubtedly be called an antinomian at some point. Antinomianism is actually an heresy. It's a phrase that Martin Luther used to describe the belief system that the will of God in our lives, as expressed in His Word, is irrelevant and does not play a part anymore in the life of one who is saved.

In Romans 6:1-2, 19 Paul speaks of this line of thinking which would later be dubbed antinomianism. He said, “What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?...What then? Are we to sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means! (ESV).” Clearly legalism can drastically thwart our freedom, but so does antinomianism.

Whether or not I can be obedient – or really be any better than I am – is irrelevant to the fact that “God has some strong views on right and wrong, good and evil, moral and immoral. Because he is God, his views are not opinions, they are, in fact, a revelation about what is right and wrong, good and evil, moral and immoral. We don't like it much, but we don't get a vote; and if you think about it for a moment, you wouldn't have it any other way.”(3)

Perhaps I'm never as good a person as I could be, but I know that goodness itself is a good virtue not only for me but for society as well. Perhaps I don't love others as I should, but I'm fully aware that loving is a whole lot better than hating. Perhaps I'm not always as honest as I could be, but I know that honesty is a good thing and far better than lying and deception.

So, when we say that we really aren't going to get much better than we are now, we don't mean, as Steve Brown puts it, “that 'getting better' isn't a good thing. In fact, just the opposite. We want to be better people than we are because...well...because we know that being better is better.”(4)

TO TRY OR NOT TO TRY

I imagine right about now you have some questions floating around in your brain: “So, if being better is a positive thing, then isn't it also positive for me to keep trying? Isn't it better to put a goal out there to strive for than have no goal at all? If my aim is to be better, or even shoot for perfection, won't I come closer to that goal than if the goal wasn't there?”

Well, good questions. Great point if you are thinking that way.

When I'm making the point that I don't think I am going to get any better the key word is “I,” not “getting better.” When I mention giving up on trying to be better I'm talking about my own personal human effort at getting better. When I realized I couldn't do it, that's when I really understood Paul's struggle in Romans 7 when he said he wanted to do good but when he tried he kept doing the same things he didn't want to be doing. When I say gave up what I gave up on was me and my guilt inducing intensive focus. I guess you could say at times it was a bit of an obsession.

But now, in more recent years, many of my articles, sermons and teachings focus on grace. That's my focus because, quite frankly, I need grace. Not only do I need it, but so does everyone in the Church who has been hurt and damaged by lack of grace in so many churches. When you focus on grace you get criticized at times. Like I wrote about earlier, you get called antinomian, usually by those who need grace the most. People tell you that you are encouraging sin. Of course I disagree.

A former president of Wheaton College used to say, “We don't encourage dating at Wheaton...we don't have to!” Well, to those critics, I don't encourage sin...I don't have to! Christians have that covered all on their own, they don't need encouragement. I can safely say that all of the true believers I have come across over the years have wanted to get better. The problem is they have been doing it the wrong way, which is trying really hard to get better.

THE GOOD & THE BAD

If you have never desired to be better than you are then there's a high probability that something inside of you is missing, there's something wrong with your heart. It is the Holy Spirit who gives us that desire and having that desire in you is a good sign the Spirit is in you. In John 14:15-18 Jesus says:

“If you love me, you will keep my commandments and I will ask the

Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever,

even the Spirit of truth, who the world cannot receive, because it

neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with

you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come

to you” (ESV).

The very fact you desire to be better is a clear indication you belong to Christ. Let me tell you a great way to find assurance of your salvation: don't dwell and focus on all of the things you do, instead pay close attention to what you want to do.

If we just don't give a crap, there's a good chance we don't really know Jesus at all; but in wanting to do and be good, we can be sure our concern comes from him. When we desire perfectionism, want to be good, and wish we were better than we are, God confirms to us that we are his.

The bad news about wanting to get better is that the desire to get better can also take away your freedom. The bad news about wanting to be good is it can lead to legalism and/or perfectionism.

A perfectionist thinks they can be perfect, or at least better than everybody else. Perfectionism brings with it a judgmental heart. Being mean and unpleasant accompanies perfectionism and perfectionism can destroy the very freedom Jesus died to give us. On an aside, it will also cause people to not want to be around you.

This is why I decided to “give up.” When Paul transparently admitted he repeatedly could not do the things he wanted, he took a giant leap towards spiritual health. Paul declares with complete honesty, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate...For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing” (Romans 7:15, 19, ESV).

Often times when I read that passage I wonder...I don't think I would have admitted all of that. After all, what would everyone think? But after deeper reflection I understand it must have been a huge relief and brought him great freedom. Finally admitting the reality of his own helplessness and hopelessness brought him clarity regarding the grace of God and his freedom in Christ. And thanks to Paul's honesty, as well as other passages, I now understand that truth for me as well.

FAKE IT & HOPE YOU MAKE IT?

There are certain kinds of pretending that can choke you out. This is another thing you need to be aware of in regards to perfectionism. Steve Brown put it this way, “You greatly diminish your freedom when you pretend to others that you are accomplishing perfection.”(5)

Before I understood this, I spent too many years trying to do something I couldn't do and just as much time trying to convince everyone that I'd done it. You know what that is called? Hypocrisy. It's a very human thing to do and a very damaging thing to do to your mental state...and your freedom. That's why I “stopped” trying.

Let me present some questions to you at this point:

Do you have any dark secrets? The kinds you know that if your friends knew you'd be so ashamed and embarrassed you would just want to disappear? If so, welcome. We all do.

Do you sometimes have doubts about certain aspects of your faith? We all do at times.

Do you sometimes commit deliberate sin? So do I. I don't know why we always try to explain it away, “Oh, it just came out of nowhere and I gave in.” Baloney! Much of the sin I've committed was brewing inside of me for awhile. I thought about it before I did it. Sometimes I thought about it a lot.

Do you have difficulty forgiving people who have caused you to feel devalued? A lot of believers struggle with this.

Do you find some Christians incredibly irritating and when they are talking do you feel like you're going crazy? Sometimes I feel that way too.

Do you ever get mad and can't really pin-point why and end up spouting something you regret? Hey, me too.

Do you try so hard to be good, happy, caring, kind and loving that it exhausts you and you realize you can't sustain it? I've been there and understand that.

Do you deal with anxiety, depression, fear, stress? Guess what? So do I.

Do you ever feel that if people truly knew who you were inside they wouldn't like you? You even think they wouldn't believe you are a Christian? I've been there and dealt with many believers who have been there as well.

You are not alone. These things are going through the minds of countless Christians on a daily basis and each one of them feels alone and/or ashamed.

It really boils down to this: Are you a sinner? Yes you are, and I am too. I'm sure you knew that already but I'll let you in on a little secret, so is everyone else. John Calvin, Martin Luther, Billy Graham, Charles Spurgeon, Mother Theresa, and your pastor, are (or were if they've passed on) all sinners. Chances are most of us are not going to get much “better” yet Jesus still loves and forgives us anyway.

So, after reading all of this let me ask, do you feel better or worse? You might not like being called a sinner, you might be feeling guilty or angry right now, and this brings me to another issue with perfectionism. It's been mentioned before but I want to state it again. Perfectionism plays a direct role in affecting your freedom, or as Steve Brown put it above, “diminishing” your freedom.

GETTING BETTER

It's not only foolish to keep trying to do the impossible and convince others you are accomplishing the impossible, it's also foolish to keep heading down the wrong path insisting that your power and time spent on the path will somehow turn the wrong path into the right one.

I'm going to quote Steve Brown again as he has a humorous way of making the same point, “The problem with trying to do something you can't do, and the problem with pretending to others you have done it isn't just that it's stupid; it also wastes time and effort that you could devote to something more productive, such as...playing golf, reading, going to a movie, talking with friends, or maybe even praying.”(6)

I want to share an extremely important principle from Scripture with you, which is the only reason I've stopped trying to be better: Those who do get better are the ones who know that, if they never get better, God is on their side and will love them anyway. And what follows from that is not only will God love you if you don't get better, he will teach you that getting better isn't really the issue. Jesus is the issue. God's love is the issue. And it's out of that love and kindness of God's presence being with you that you will discover yourself getting better.

I wonder how much time Christians have wasted feeling deep guilt over our lack of perfection or pretending that we have more of it than we actually do. If that was all there was to it then it would be nothing more than a neurosis. Truly believing that of ourselves we can be much better than we are is one of the main reasons we are so caught up in bondage. Our freedom has been stripped from us because we thought we had to get better and better, to be perfect, in order to be free.

Guilt should have only one purpose and when it does you have healthy guilt as opposed to self condemnation and guilt that damages your being. Guilt should “drive us to the throne of grace, where we allow God, if he deems to do so, to change us and make us better.”(7) When we let guilt do any more than that we become perfectionists – legalistic, unhappy, miserable, sad and lonely.

God doesn't morbidly dwell on our sins as we do or the way others do when they judge us from the outside. We shouldn't be approaching God in an attempt to keep him from getting mad at us and begging and pleading for him to forgive us for the same sins we have already confessed (usually several times).

There's obviously something very unsettling about Christians who spend the majority of their time trying to please God out of desperation when he's already pleased. These types don't understand grace, they don't have any freedom. And, these types often rob others of their freedom.

The most effective way for us to get better is to stop trying so hard to get better. Nearly everything that is truly important to us such as love, joy, and being content, comes when we stop trying to make those very things happen. When I turned my focus from getting better to Jesus himself and his Word, that's when I started getting a little better. So that's what I try and do, focus on Jesus who forgives me and loves me even if I don't get much better.

CONCLUSION

Over the years I have noticed the closer I get to Christ, the more I see the reality about who I am and how far off the destination to “goodness” really is. The truth of the matter is I've got better because I've got closer to him, but the closer I get to him, the less I feel I'm getting better. I know that may seem strange to you, but it's true. But I think it's a good thing because if I knew and felt I was getting better, I'd most likely start feeling self-sufficient and think I can do so in my power. Before I'd even know it I'd probably take it on myself to start trying to help God by starting to “help” others be better the way it happened for me.

But the reality of it is, making others better is God's job, not mine (or yours). God chose me, he chose to adopt me, he chose to be my friend not to make me better but because he wanted to adopt me, he wanted to be friend and Savior. Instead of being obsessed over being good, God wants me to fellowship with him, to follow him, and see where he leads me. He promises us in his Word that he will never leave or or forsake us. So we can stop worrying so much about about getting better, or lacking in our holiness and sanctification. The more we worry and stress out over these things the worse we are going to get, but the more we abide in him, the better we are going to get – even if we don't know it or feel like it.

Paul says in Philippians 1:6 that what God starts, he brings to completion. That means that God starting in our lives is the assurance and promise that he will keep working to completion.

With all of this said let me leave you with this little tidbit: It is likely true that the most godly person you know isn't the one you may think it is. In addition to that, the most godly person you know most likely doesn't even realize that he or she is all that godly.

Article adapted from Brown, Steve, A Scandalous Freedom: The Radical Nature of the Gospel (New York: Howard Books, 2004), pp.31-73.

Brown, p.53
Lewis, C.S., Mere Christianity (New York: Macmillan, 1952), p.167.
Brown, p.56
Ibid., p.58
Ibid., p.64
Ibid., p.68
Ibid., p.69

Jeff Hagan is the President of True Grace Ministries and Theological Institute. Interested? www.preacherjeff45.wlxsite.com/truegracetheolgical

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