Do you fear it? Have you lost a loved one? Find yourself blaming God and then feeling ashamed? Dealing with such intense feelings, you think you will never get over? Wishing for just one more day? Sorry for things you never said?
Would you like someone to throw you a rope? I'd like to share something with you.
I am 60 now but I will never quite get over a sickness, I suffered in my late 20's. The fact is, the devil tried once again, to kill me only this time very slowly and with great agony.
Without boring you with all the reasons why, I will try to explain this weird thing that overcame me. Five doctors could not find the reasons.
When I first became ill, it was sudden and violent. I was sicker than I had ever experienced. The odd thing was that after vomiting, I only felt worse and worse.
It's truly hard to explain the sensations, as it was something akin to nothing I can relate to. It was as if every cell in my body was nauseated, constantly, day in and day out for 8 weeks straight with no let up.
When it could no longer be diagnosed as the flu, I had already begun treating the symptoms, out of desperation.
Phenagrin is a suppository drug given to children as part of prep for surgery. On top of taking a stomach tranquilizer by day, in order to eat and have it stay down, I was also taking valium just to help me to tolerate the constant sensations. At night, there was no possible way to fall asleep without drugging myself with phenagrin, in order to overcome the constant waves of nausea.
The worst part was that I was a young mother with a 10 month old baby and no help. My mornings turned into a routine of crawling on my hands and knees to the nursery, to get my baby, change her diaper and get her breakfast. I crawled so as not to disturb my body any more than necessary because as soon as I stood, there was a countdown. I had 30 minutes to get what I needed done, before the shocking wave of overwhelming nausea hit me and brought me to my face on the floor.
At night, I prepared for the nightmare of trying to get to sleep, by drugging myself. Then I would lie in the bed with the radio blarring to blot out the siren in my head, as the drug intensified the sensations for about 40 minutes before finally subsiding and I slipped into a drugged sleep. As the sensations intensified, I would bite on the blanket with lock jaw tension and whine away the minutes, as tears poured down the side of my face.
Night after night, this went on until I wanted to die. I had thoughts like, "if my mother truly loved me, she would bring me a loaded gun". But then I would remember my baby. Who would care for her? Who would protect her? I was alone, as I had had to divorce her future molester. I had to live to protect her.
It was during these times, while I had no strength to voice even a prayer, my mind would reach out to the Lord and beg because I knew that I knew that I was 1/4" away from total relief. I had thoughts like, "Father! Why do You leave me here in this feeble rotting flesh?"
It was at that time, I became acutely aware of my spirit, as it was my spirit that wanted out. Nothing seemed more proper than for me to leave and save myself this agony. It wasn't the mortal mind thinking these things, it was my spirit.
From that experience I know my spirit and, at that time, my spirit knew where to find freedom.
I'm telling you this because I want you to know that when a loved one goes home to be with the Lord, it is very real. It is a joyous time, for that loved one.
I can tell you that I would prefer to go through a shocking accident than through a horrible sickness. That's for sure. I should know, the devil has been trying to kill me most of my life and sometimes came really close to it. That's a whole other story, as each time the result was a magnificent miracle or I wouldn't be here to tell you these things.
You see, at that point of no return, when one faces their own death in an accident, something very special happens. It's like you are taken into a dream world, where nothing seems real and at the same time, you are very much aware that the end has come.
Silly thoughts go through your mind like, "Is this really happening?" or "How far is this going to go?" or even, "Well.....so this is how it's going to happen."
Maybe it's true that some people's lives pass before their eyes but I sure never have had those thoughts. At the moment of the impending fatal blow, I've always been right there in the moment, focused on something my mind just couldn't wrap around.
I imagine those who actually pass on, thinking momentarily, "Uh...."
God so perfectly designed our bodies, that at the instant of mortal wound, the body goes directly into shock. Ask any doctor or nurse. They will tell you they lose more accident patients, from shock than from wounds. It's as though the body immediately prepares and puts a person into a dream state. While in shock, you don't feel the pain. You are aware there is pain but it's nothing like what you expected. As a matter of fact, about half the time, the person feels like superman.
Does this help you to face a horrible death in the family? It should. The answer is no. They didn't suffer. God takes care of us, even during that time.
It's hard to imagine life when a loved one is suddenly taken but I asure you, it does go on. Be at peace. I promise you that loved one hasn't looked back, not even for a second. Things are too exciting where they are.
Remember, we can't see the big picture. If we could, we might spend a whole lot less time crying.
Why would the Lord take a close loved one and leave a mate or other family members behind? Have you ever thought that it might have something to do with your own growth?
It's just like when a toddler is left in the nursery. The child has no idea the mother is coming back. It is pure insecurity and the unknown that drives the child into a frenzy.
We go through the same reactions when our loved one is taken and we are left. It's the unknown. The fact is you really will be together again but until you are there with them, you are left with the unknown. Once there, you will understand how very small this lifetime was, how very brief in comparison to what the big picture is.
It's time now to look inside yourself and rediscover. The wound will heal and along with it, you will find your inner strength. It's at this time, you will also discover a stronger relationship with the Lord, more one on one.
During this period of your own life, between the time of those you relied on and the time you yourself discover the wonders the Lord has waiting for you, there is much to discover about yourself and about your faith. Like the toddler stepping out on his own and experiencing all he can do.
Grow. Learn. Discover. Your loved one will wait. This is a blessed time for you. Painful, yes but also blessed.
Smile. It's ok.
The Lord is on me to share my story, to write for the hurting and to help the confused push away the clouds.
I've begun sharing my writing according to the Lord's timing. He's calling His children.