How Do I Trust My Spouse Again After Adultery
by Angie Lewis 11/16/2007 / Marriage
Do you want to trust your spouse with your soul once again? Do you often feel jealous and suspicious when your spouse is not with you? Do you want to trust your spouse after adultery, but can't? Then this article is for you.
Trusting your spouse with your soul is a deep felt intimacy that grows and grows with the marriage. But what happens when a spouse unexpectedly snaps that trust in half by committing adultery? We become devastated and broken, and all we want is for things to go back to the way they were, but that takes work.
Assuming that your spouse has repented and turned their life around it is now time to rebuild broken trust once and for all. Many marriages cannot weather the storms of adultery because they do not have a firm foundation to begin with, but if your house was already built upon The Rock or if you are now willing to rebuild it on The Rock then your marriage can be salvaged.
If a spouse is truly sorry for their actions then they shouldn't have any problem being accountable for their actions. That means they will allow their spouse to call them at work, or they will call their spouse before they leave work to drive home, and they will stop going out alone with their buddies. Whatever it is they need to do, they should be willing to do it for their spouse, if they have turned their life around.
Accountability is what brings trust back in some marriages because it shows the deceived spouse the adulterer can be trusted once again, but it does take time and consistent actions on a daily basis. We do want to be careful with accountability though, because you don't want to come off as a mother hen or bossy dictator.
Couples should discuss the aspects of accountability and understand why it is put into place in the first place. If a spouse has not done anything to merit mistrust than there should not be any reason for a spouse to have to answer to their whereabouts twenty-four hours a day; that would be ridiculous. Accountability is brought into the marriage NOT because you don't trust your spouse, but so you can go on trusting your spouse. Do you understand the difference?
In marriage, couples absolutely need to trust one another, otherwise there is going to be too many personal issues such as jealousy and resentment that will keep them from truly loving in the ways they should. Couples have to get passed these kinds of negative emotions once and for all or else the marriage will be doomed for unhappiness and eventual collapse.
Jealousy is often a learned emotion brought over from childhood. It is interlinked with fear of abandonment and fear of not being in control and not trusting in oneself. So then knowing this, a person can be jealous even when a spouse has done nothing to warrant that jealousy. It is a personal issue that needs dealt with separately from the issue of adultery.
Once an adulterous spouse "shows" accountability and takes responsibility for their actions, after a time, there should not be any issues of mistrust, resentment, suspicion, or jealousy going on in the marriage. And if there is, then that is something that you need to be answerable to, because no marriage can withstand the destruction of such emotions encroaching upon the marriage. Random thoughts of jealousy and suspicion in marriage are a result of ones own insecurities and can actually harm the marriage in more ways than one.
Bottom line is if you want to trust your spouse again, it takes more than just accountability by the wayward spouse, but it takes you to be willing to WANT to trust your spouse again. Be willing to get rid of all negative feelings you have towards them. Pray about it and ask God to help you with trusting your spouse again. In time, trust will come back into the relationship.
For jealousy is the rage of a man: therefore he will not spare in the day of vengeance. (Proverbs 6:34 KJV)