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Choosing To Work On A Bad Marriage

by Angie Lewis  
11/29/2007 / Marriage

Choosing to work on your marriage takes willingness by both spouses. You either want to work on the marriage, or you don't, it is really that simple. Sometimes you might talk yourself out of staying married and look for reasons "why" you should not work on the marriage. You know when you're talking yourself out of working on the marriage when you go to friends and family who you know may be biased toward you, and against your spouse.

You tell them how you have been wronged by your spouse and how all the problems shadowing the marriage is their fault. Your friends might tell you that maybe your spouse is no good and to leave them. The more you listen to them the more your mind gives you justification for not working on the marriage. This is how many couples deceive themselves into divorce. Going to family and friends are the worse people to go to when having marital difficulties. It may very well end your marriage for good!

I'm here to tell you, a marriage gone wrong is never just the fault of one spouse. Now, it is true, some people are a lot harder to get along with than others, and therefore, one spouse may be hurting the marriage more just by stubbornness and selfishness. But it always takes two to get married and two to end the marriage. By going around seeking reasons for not working on the marriage you will find it because you have already set it in your mind to not save the marriage.

But in a marriage gone bad there almost is never a good guy. It is realizing that we can be good a good guy, and that we have value in life for others, and ourselves that will make us want to choose to restore the marriage. Restoring marriage is about being willing to say, "Hey, I was wrong, lets try and work this problem out and save the marriage". All it really takes is someone to make the first move, and say, "Let's do it"! "Proud in our ways" keeps us from being humbling ourselves to one another.

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. (Romans 15:7 NIV)

All marriage issues can be dealt with in a positive light when both spouses put in the willingness to do so. It's called "giving in", "listening", and then being understanding of each other on particular issues and, or feelings each spouse cares about. It doesn't matter what the problems are in marriage, whether they are about infidelity, lack of communication, addiction, or just plain selfishness, couples can come out from these troubles and learn to be givers rather than takers.

The biggest determent I see in many marriages is not what you think it would be. It is the unwillingness to change ourselves. You see, couples focus so much of their time and energy on what the other is doing or not doing that they don't notice what they themselves might be doing to make things better.

Let's get real here. We all need some kind of inner healing first so we can be a better marriage partner. You cannot heal your spouse; you can only be a part of their healing. In the same way, your spouse cannot heal you; they can only be a part of your healing process. Therefore, it is our responsibility to work on what we can about ourselves rather than focus on changing our spouse or placing blame on them.

Wouldn't you agree? This is how you choose to work on your marriage by choosing to work on yourself and doing what you can to make the marriage better.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
(1 Peter 4:8 NIV)

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